Brad and Angelina watch golden child Shiloh fly for the first time

4,903 Australians die of "World Cup Fever"

THE AGE - Concern has broken out across Australia as close to five thousand people have succumbed to the most dangerous strand of "World Cup Fever".

The outbreak occurred in Germany two days ago after a surprising 3-1 win against Japan. Since then, millions have caught the disease and thousands have died.

"It's going around like wildfire," said one Australian partying in inner-city Berlin. "A few people were showing symptons after Australia fought it's way into the World Cup play offs but now it's gone crazy."

There is further concern that "World Cup Fever" may somehow combine in Queensland with "Queensland Somehow winning the Origin Fever" tonight. If so, it is expected that many people will be forced to take Thursday off work and start a course of the high dosage penicillin - Berocca.

With the Australian Prime Minister calling a state of emergency, leading experts are unsure of the next step. According to Minister for Health and Aging, Tony Abbott, there is one hope.

"I think we're going to see a lot more contagion and many more deaths. All we can hope is that Brasil can beat Australia in the next few days. Then I think we will see a drastic reduction in infections, particularly at home where there are many antedotes to the fever more freely available - like the sixth series of Big Brother."

Europe feels superior to the US for a couple of days

INSIDE SPORT - As the U.S.A lost their game to Czech Republic 0-3, Europe had the opportunity to feel superior for one evening.

"It doesn't happen very often," said Foreign Minister for the Interior, Vladimir Ksychyk, "so today is a day to savour. To paraphrase a song from an American movie with puppets - America! Fuck off!"

Other Western European countries have been quick to jump on the bandwagon, holding their chins up high even though the Czech Republic is still part of what is considered Eastern Europe. An area most Western Europeans have not wanted to claim as their own... until now.

"This is the great thing about the Americans. Since they wouldn't know the difference between Lebanon and the Ukraine, every country has been claiming to be part of the Czech Republic just to piss them off. I even saw some guys from Nigeria claiming to be French which pissed off the Americans nearly as much as it did the French."

The Nigerian team's accommodation was burnt down shortly after the statement was made.
The French have denied involvement, an excuse that has worked pretty well for them in the past.

Rove won't be charged in CIA leak case because he's too guilty

ASSOCIATED PRESS - Top White House aide Karl Rove has been told by prosecutors he won't be charged with any crimes in the investigation into the leak of a CIA officer's identity, his lawyer said Tuesday, lifting a heavy burden from one of President Bush's most trusted advisers.

For a a while it looked likely that Mr Rove would be spending time in a maximum security prison, however, his lawyer was informed that it wouldn't be Guatanamo Bay because unlike the detainees there, Karl Rove had obviously committed a crime and had evidence that would send him to prison.

Additionally, his trial happened straight away.

"I always knew we were going to have to get him off on a technicality of law, and now that we've succeeded we have proven to the American public that he is innocent," said Rove's Lawyer.

Anyone who is on the truck driving through the hole in that logic can wave anytime.

"In deference to the pending case, we will not make any further public statements about the subject matter of the investigation," Luskin said. "We believe the special counsel's decision should put an end to the baseless speculation about Mr. Rove's conduct."

And it did, because there was only one person who was baselessly speculating - to everyone else it was as obvious as a Bush lie.

Ooh, I nearly feel like voting Democrat now... but not quite.

Denise Richards won't dress like a slut... for Charlie Sheen

DEFAMER - Denise Richards spoke indirectly to estranged sex-crazed ex-husband Charlie Sheen today telling him:

"I'm not going to dress up like a hooker for you anymore. It's cheap, it's tacky, it's slightly perverted. No longer am I going to shave my pubic hair so I look like a young girl. Yes, I know I did it when I did porn movies but I was too young to have pubic hair at that age anyway and that's not the point."

The message was passed through her lawyer who then spoke to Sheen's publicist Stan Rosenfield who then passed the message on to Charlie. On the other side of the piece of paper it also said something about meeting behind the bike sheds after school but that may have been a message for one of Charlie's dates that was accidentally intercepted.

Denise made the statement at the Pussycat Dolls Lounge last Friday where she had been paid by a number of well-monied businesses to appear in this outfit (pictured).

So glamourous, so sophisticated. So not slutty or like a hooker at all. Not that anyone minds except Charlie Sheen and maybe Denise Richard's parents.

Dannii Minogue does something better than Kylie

THE SUN - Dannii Minogue, sister of international pop sensation Kylie, called a press conference today to tell the world there is something she can do better than her more talented and gifted sister.

Unfortunately, nobody could be bothered to attend so we can't tell you what it was that Dannii said she could do better.

In lieu of any facts, It's All Lies has drawn up this rather inconclusive list of things that make Dannii better than Kylie.

1. She has a really talented famous sister - Kylie doesn't have that.

2. There are less degrees of separation between her and the cast of Charmed.

3a. She married Julian McMahon.

3b. She divorced Julian McMahon.

4. She has a really talented famous sister - Kylie doesn't have that.

5. Kylie may have kicked cancer but Dannii didn't get cancer in the first place.

6. There are far more nude, topless and FMH style shots of her on the internet. Suprisingly, most of them can be found on her official web site. Try finding one of Kylie.

7. She was selected for Young Talent Time - Kylie wasn't. How this is a good thing I am not entirely sure.

8. She didn't release Locomotion or Especially for You... or quite a number of songs in Kylie's catalogue that are actually quite awful if you sit down and really think about it.

9. She has a really talented famous sister - Kylie doesn't have that.

10. It's All Lies has written a top ten list about how she is better than her sister.

Any further reasons why Dannii is better than Kylie in comments to this post please (or brown envelopes).

Coming next, why William Baldwin is better than Alex Baldwin.

New report says "Breast-Feed or your child may die!"

NEW YORK TIMES - Warning: Public health officials have determined that not breast-feeding may be hazardous to your baby's health.

Dr. Haynes, of the Health and Human Services Department, said, "Our message is that breast milk is the gold standard, and anything less than that is inferior. In fact, if you do not feed your child breast milk it is very likely they will die. It's as bad as smoking or playing international level Rugby Sevens during pregnancy. Except worse."

A two-year national breast-feeding awareness campaign that culminated this spring ran television announcements showing a pregnant woman clutching her belly as she was thrown off a mechanical bull during ladies' night at a bar — and compared the behavior to failing to breast-feed.
"You wouldn't take risks before your baby's born," the advertisement says. "Why start after?"
Child-rearing experts have long pointed to the benefits of breast-feeding. But critics say the new campaign has taken things too far and will make mothers who cannot breast-feed, or choose not to, feel guilty and inadequate.

"I desperately wanted to breast-feed," said Karen Petrone, an associate professor of history at University of Kentucky in Lexington. When her two babies failed to gain weight and her pediatrician insisted that she supplement her breast milk with formula, Ms. Petrone said, "I felt so guilty."

Dr. Haynes said the Health and Human Services Department are very sympathetic to the problems of women in this situation.

"Obviously it is very hard on women who realise that because of some physical and mental problem in themselves they are not going to be able to breastfeed their child. Knowing they will indirectly kill the only thing that will continue their family line is an issue they must learn to deal with before their kind is bred out through natural selection."

Jessica Simpson accidentally painted by mural artist

LOS ANGELES TIMES - Jessica Simpson was accidentally painted by a mural artist yesterday.

The incident occurred as she stood up against a wall wondering whether she should start walking with her left or her right foot. This began a thought on which foot was her left or her right so that she'd then be able to work out which one to step with first.

Mural Artist Victor Kline was unrepentant.

"She was standing so still I thought she was part of the wall. It was only when I looked up and was nearly blinded from the reflection of the sun on her teeth that I realised I had painted over Jessica Simpson."

Right Said Fred to open World Cup - no, seriously

BERLIN TIMES - The Germans have booked Right Said Fred to open the World Cup tonight.

That is not a misprint. The artists behind I'm Too Sexy, Deeply Dippy and thirty other remixes of those two songs will be performing to a packed audience of soccer fans at the newly built Munich stadium at Fröttmaningin.

A further shock is that David Hasslehoff is not appearing in the concert.

Rumour has it that David Hasslehoff was informed of the decision to hire Right Said Fred in his place while he was in the audience of the American Idol finale. Hence the tears (refer to our earlier article from May 29th or Defamer)

Now it all makes sense. Don't shed a tear David. It's not worth it. There won't be that many Germans in the audience anyway because the English have probably bought all the tickets.

New anti-terrorism signs in Australia

100th post on "It's All Lies" - Tara Reid sends telegram to celebrate

ITS ALL LIES - As fake as Tara Reid's left nipple and maybe even more fun to watch as it walks unsupported down the street, the It's All Lies blog celebrated it's 100th posting today.

Tara Reid was ecstatic that a blog celebrating everything false in the world had made it to triple figures.

"I'm even more ecstatic that the Editor chose to celebrate the fact by repeating the photo of me on the red carpet with my left nipple swinging in the breeze that inspired the creation of this blog."

Contributors from It's All Lies have been busy celebrating the achievement and were last seen mixing amphetimines with Absynthe while standing on the Santa Monica pier proclaiming "Santa is an anagram of Satan and Monica is an anagram of Am Coin."

Once again, thank Tara, thank you to your nipple and thank you to the plastic surgeon who removed all sensation from your breast thus ensuring you wouldn't notice there was no fabric pushing against it.

To 100 more.

1053rd "Beatle" dies

GUARDIAN - On the same day that Keyboardist Billy Preston, the so-called "fifth Beatle" died, so to has Jennifer Winmill, the so-called "one thousand and fifty third Beatle".

Winmill had played an integral part in the success of The Beatles by attending their concert in Sidcup, Kent, U.K. (near Rose Bruford College) She can be seen in photos of the audience for the 1964 gig second from the left and about nine deep in the picture. (right)

Obviously she didn't have as much of a part to play as the "Sixth Beatle", George Martin, or the "Seventh Beatle" and original member Stu Sutcliffe, or Eric Clapton, the "Eighth Beatle", stealer of George Harrison's girlfriend and guitarist responsible for the guitar solo on the track My Guitar Gently Weeps.

Beatles number nine through to fifty seven can be accounted for by various production engineers working at the Abbey Road studio and a long lost aunt of Ringo's who provided the inspiration for the film A Hard Day's Night.

Ironically, Ringo Starr himself has always been considered as somewhere between the six hundred and forteenth and seven hundred and eighty ninth "Beatle".

If you are wondering if the number one Beatle is Paul or John, you'd be wrong. It is actually Yoko Ono. Without her, The Beatles wouldn't have broken up and after the shooting (that would have happened anyway) the band would have ended up resorting to a Rock Star style TV show to find a replacement for John. And somehow I don't think they'd still be as popular if that was the case.

So we can all thank her for something.

English give Australian cricket fans taste of their own medicine

THE AGE - English cricket fans have given Australians a taste of their own medicine by buying the lion's share (pun intended) of tickets for the upcoming Ashes to be played on Australian soil this summer.

Brits holidaying in Australia have flaunted the system to allow them to buy tickets that should only be available to Australian Cricket Family members. In one extreme case, and English university student bought 28 Ashes tickets and then posted them on eBay at hugely inflated prices.

"There's no question I'm an England fan," he said. "And I'm sick to death of all the tickets for the games in England being bought out by drunken Australian expats who swarm to the games from their Earl's Court dives. Now it's payback time, you whinging Aussies."

Hundreds of Cricket Australia Family members contacted the Age to vent their fury about English fans buying up their tickets. The process was farcical and a joke, they said. So are games between Australia and Bangaldesh, though the relevance is unclear.

"I'm sure there will be plenty of Australians around at the cricket anyway," said one English cricket fan. "It will just have to be somewhere else. Maybe a local field where you can play a game instead of using it as a pissweak excuse to get drunk and spend time with your family."

Paul Morgan is devastated he will not be taking his three sons, Ryan, Scott and Cameron (pictured right with long hair), to the Sydney Test. "With three fanatical boys who have attended every Sydney Test for the past eight years I would personally like to thank James Sutherland for screwing the Australian cricket family over," Mr Morgan said.

"But I've promised the boys some tickets to The Boy from Oz so I know their hearts won't be entirely broken. I don't know what I'd do if we missed out on those as well... What? It's sold out as well? F$#k! Hand me a pistol."

John Howard expressed disgust over the situation until he was reminded that his tickets were already sorted - bought from Tony Blair through eBAY with the surplus from Costello's latest budget.

Brangelina: "Please take our baby!"

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have sent out an urgent black-market plea to sell their newborn baby.

"The thing is," said Angelina, "I really set out from the start to create a rainbow family, you know, a family with kids from all around the world."

"But as the song quite clearly states, a rainbow comprises 'red and yellow and pink and green, orange and purple and blue.' There is absolutely no mention of white and as a woman of my word, I'm afraid the kid has gotta go."

Bidding for the child is expected to fetch into the millions. However in their grand tradition, the Jolie-Pitts will be donating all proceeds from Shiloh's sale to charity.

For more details visit www.sellshiloh.com

McGuire axes 100 Nine news jobs - accidentally sacks himself

THE AGE - Up to 100 people will be made redundant by the Nine Network as part of a revamp of its news and current affairs coverage.

Nine chief Eddie McGuire announced the voluntary redundancies at a strategic meeting with network staff in Sydney today.

"It's all on paper now so unfortunately all the people on this list are going to have to leave the company to allow us to grow... rich."

Mr McGuire said the majority of the redundancies would affect news and current affairs in Sydney. Other people corrected him that it would affect the "reporting of news", not the news itself, which would happen whether a Channel Nine crew was there to film it or not.

"I'd just like to say that the list of employees getting sacked, I mean offered redundancies, were not randomly picked from a Channel Nine staff listing as people have mentioned. All the names on here are surplus and will need to find other employment."

When asked where the person on the list called "E. McGuire" worked, Eddie looked askanse and said, "Shit. Don't know. But I want him escorted off the premises as soon as possible. Just like the others."

When it was pointed out that only one "E. McGuire" worked at Channel Nine and that was him, Mr McGuire looked rather nervous, put it down to a clerical error before being escorted out the door by several other senior executives (pictured) who had always wondered why they had been overlooked for the head role in the first place. In the words of one executive:

"At least now he's been sacked as General Manager he may have time to host Who Wants to be a Millionaire again. And that's probably the best place for him on the network."

Mother lambasts daughter for "not having a television"

THE AGE - An adult woman today was lambasted by her mother for "not having a television in the house".

The woman and mother to be was chastised by her mother Wendy McTowel after being called for the fifth time that day about something that she "must" watch on television. The other four calls were regarding more trivial matters such as the reumoured spread of a new strain of the Ebola virus through the Los Feliz district.

"I mean, how rediculous is it," Wendy was quoted as saying during one of her mountain treks through the Himalayas (pictured), "there is so much quality programming on the television and my daughter Jemima doesn't want to be a part of it. How is she going to be able to talk to people unless she has seen what they have seen?"

Wendy then went on to point to her younger daughter Eliza-Jane as a prime example of how a steady diet of the OC, The Simple Life, Everybody Loves Raymond and The Simpsons has made her into a well-rounded young lady also capable of conversing with other ladies and attracting a more suitable male than the one Jemima is currently with, who had this to say.

"Well, it's like, whatever, you know? That's hot. Yeah. Right. Whatever."

At which point she was distracted by an ant walking across her foot.

The "lambasted" daughter in question refused to comment, mainly because she never picks up the phone and was half way through a Miles Franklin book - you know, those things you have to concentrate on with words? They're totally hot. Whatever.

Prostitute names politician on-air - no one surprised

SYDNEY MORNING HERALD - Nova FM could face legal action after a politician was named on air as having visited a sex worker.

Nova 969 presenters Merrick Watts and Tim Ross were forced to make an on-air apology minutes after an interview in which a prostitute said she had "seen" the politician. Just as importantly she'd also let him dress up in nappies and be buggered by a 17" dildo in the shape of Pauline Hanson.

The woman had called the breakfast show to join in a discussion on the sex industry and said, "We may have defamation cases brought against us and, as I'm anonymous, I can say I've seen (the politician)".

The woman was immediately cut off, but not before the name was broadcast.

There had been little backlash because everyone knows the politician in question likes to visit prostitutes anyway.

The politician is said to be seeking legal advice, but may have more luck looking for it in a legal firm instead of cruising the streets of Kings Cross in a suped up Torana with fluffy dice "and sub-woofers".

Nicole Ritchie "dangerously fat"

DEFAMER - New photos of Nicole Ritchie reveal her looking dangerously overweight and in need of a new diet or at the very least, some dieting drugs designed for racing horses.

The new shots of her walking on the beach reveal dangerous signs that include her upper thighs nearly rubbing against each other when she walks and a quite unflattering lack of 'just below the skin' bone definition.

"I am very worried," said one leading dietician, "Nicole is an idol to many young girls around the world. If she starts putting on weight so that her body goes to a 'natural' state there's no way of telling what message this may send."

Another leading expert put it more succinctly.

"If Nicole stops trying to look like an underfed prepubescent girl ready to blow anyone to score some heroin, women around the world might as well give up and wear burkhas. And then the freaking muslims will win. Game over America."