Pope visits Auschwitz - disappointed that rides aren't operational

KRAKOW, Poland - Pope Benedict XVI (aka Pope Bendie) yesterday expressed disappointment over his visit to Auschwitz.

"I thought it sounded like Disney World, but I turn up and no rides are working. There wasn't even anyone there to buy a ticket from."

Clearly, the shock of the location was getting to him.

"I really wanted to go on the railway carriage that goes into the windowless building. That looks like fun. A lot of my German colleagues at the Vatican have always said how much fun it was to watch other people taking the ride all those years ago."

defamer.com readers pissed over timing of Shiloh Nouvel birth

LOS ANGELES TIMES - In another exclusive, It's All Lies can reveal that defamer.com readers have been incredibly pissed off over the timing of the Branjelina baby.

Happening inconsiderately in Africa at what would have been late Friday night LA time, defamer.com readers have had to go two full days without any "news" regarding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby Shiloh Nouvel.

"I can't believe it. I trust defamer.com to have all the gossip first. But here I am two days later and the most recent posting is about David Hasslehoff... which isn't all bad I suppose. I might have to read the New York Times or go to the BBC web site to get some information and that just doesn't make sense."

The editor of defamer.com, Mark Lisanti was not available for comment. If he had been, he would have written something in defamer.com by now.

the most recent posting can be found below.
· Idol Finale: David Hasselhoff chokes up as everyone grabs a piece of what's left of Katharine McPhee. Tori Spelling picks up some day work, and 36 million tune in to watch the the chubby, old dude take it all.
· Kevin Reilly is almost positive he's made up his mind now.
· If Jared Leto isn't gay as a goose, he should prepare to come face to face with an angry gay mob, hoisting rainbow-colored pitchforks and demanding he be cooked.
· Jay Roach mourns the loss of his $112 million gigglefest.
· Britney Spears: angry poet, waxy superstar.
· Journey through the incredible origin myth of Brett Ratner, mutant hack.
· Glazed dumpling Brandon Davis gets an earful from an irate Team Firecrotch player, then releases a retraction of his every regrettable, vagina-freckle put-down.
· Brandon Routh gets some very hetero, public superplay, but Superman's still got rainbows flying out of his manicured hands.
· Dr. 90210 karate-chops the dementia out of an 80-year-old in-flight menace.
· As soon as Wolverine gets out his cage, he makes a beeline for the nearest ship full of horny sailors.
· Katie Holmes' spoon-dug tunnel almost complete.
· For your consideration...and deep concern.
· Faye Dunaway opts not to be fixed in post.

Prescott 'right man for job' - no-one sure what job that is

GUARDIAN - John Prescott is "getting on with the job" and is the right man for it, International Development Secretary Hilary Benn said.

"We're just trying to figure out what job that is."

Mr Benn was defending his colleague as politicians and commentators continued to question his position.

Peter Mandelson said Mr Prescott would do what was in the party's interests. If that meant having affairs with secretaries and hiding that from his wife, then so be it.

"Politics is a noble profession and I'm sure we'd all boff our secretary if the service of our country demanded it. I wouldn't boff his, but that's only because John's bigger than me, very jealous and he has a mean left hook."

Angelina Jolie gives birth to baby girl in Africa while filming in Finland

LOS ANGELES TIMES - In what was arguably the most anticipated delivery in the world since the birth of Jesus (or Geri Halliwell's daughter Bluebell Madonna), Angelina Jolie gave birth to Brad Pitt's daughter Saturday in Africa, Pitt’s publicist announced.

Jolie's publicist has denied the reports but that's only because she's still denying that Jolie is pregnant or attached to Brad Pitt in any way, shape or form.

"The night of May 27, 2006 in Namibia, Africa, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt welcomed their daughter Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. No further information is being given," Pitt Publicist Cindy Guagenti said in a statement.

Further details are also shaky as to what was meant by the phrase "welcomed". Did the baby pop up to be greeted by a firm handshake? Did representatives from the United Nations greet the infant in the 49 commonly agreed languages?

Or did they just give her a quick kiss and send her off to the nanny looking after the recently arrived children of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck or Geri Halliwell and some guy who should have known better?

Jolie-Pitt baby girl angers celebrity community

LOS ANGELES TIMES - Gwen Stefani, Geri Halliwell, Jennifer Garner, Ben Affleck, Fred Savage, Melissa Joan Hart, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Gwenyth Paltrow, Rachel Weisz and Britney Spears. These are just some of the people reeling from the news that their column inches in the celebrity rags and E-News puff-pieces are being eaten up by the news of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby girl, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.

"It really is indecent," quoted an unnamed Scientologist, "Do Brad and Pitt have a film coming out at the moment? No. Does my client, I mean Tom, I mean the Number 1 Hollywood star in the world have a movie out now? I'm not talking about Tom Hanks. I know he has a movie out. I'm talking about Tom Cruise. He's got a film out. Yes. We went to a lot of effort to get Katie to pretend to carry a baby for nine months. And for what? We still haven't made back the contribution to the Scientology founders to allow Tom to go up to the next level yet, let alone production costs for the film. Inconsiderate."

Britney Spears had this to say via her publicist, "What? What? You put Geri Halliwell in the same list of A celebrities as me and Melissa Joan Hart? Are you f#$king mad? Look at my baby. Look at me. WE ARE BEAUTIFUL. F%CK, I dropped it again."

We did want to talk to the other worthy celebrities, but unfortunately we ran out of column inches in the desire to carry this picture of Angelina and Brad with the rest of the kids in Africa. Aren't they cute? (And doesn't the image have just a touch of Da Vinci's The Last Supper about it? Or is that just me?)

Baby boy for singer Gwen Stefani - already thinks "Bush" is a crap band

US singer Gwen Stefani has given birth to her first child with husband Gavin Rossdale at a Los Angeles hospital.

Son Kingston James McGregor Rossdale was born by Caesarean section at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on Friday, spokesman Dave Tomberlin said. (Picture of Gwen preparing for the delivery)

"Both mother and child are doing well," he added. "I'm sorry to say that the band 'Bush' is still dead. But that's just my personal view."

No Doubt singer Stefani, 36, married 38-year-old Rossdale - the London-born singer with the band Bush - in 2002 at a point when there was still a chance they would release another good album. Unfortunately they didn't, and since then Gavin has been a little bored, a little horny and a little lax with his use of condoms.