Russell Crowe's claims that he "cried" over the latest Baz Lurhmann script have been met with fury from the ScreenPlay Activist Group (SPAG).
SPAG spokesperson P.R. Diddleysquat says that spilling tears on a screenplay should be met with 'outrage' and called for Russell to offer a public apology.
"These poor screenplays, as if it's not enough that they never even get credit for their part in the filmmaking process, twats like Russell Crowe come and spill plops of salty fluid on them, streaking their words into fudged bits of smudgy-smoo without so much as an 'excuse me,'" said Diddleysquat.
"Mr Crowe's telephone-throwing antics were one thing, but this....this defies description. I think it marks a significant turning point for him - the hero's journey may be coming to a close for him, and I for one, cannot wait for the climax."
Mr Crowe defended his actions, saying that he did offer a tissue to the screenplay, but took the screenplay's lack of response as an indication that it was okay.
"I think it should just shut the hell up and be a man. Grunt," he said.
NEW YORK TIMES - Fans of the comic strip "Peanuts" took to the streets around the world today in retaliation for the non-publication of images of their idol and prophet Charlie Brown.
"We're mad as hell and we're not gonna take it anymore," screamed one barely lucid fan of the long-running comic strip, "newspapers are printing cartoon versions of Mohammad but what the hell has happened to 'Peanuts'?"
The riots were triggered when the Danish newspapaer Jyllands-Posten decided to stop printing the comic strip in it's "Weekend Funnies" section after fifty years of inclusion in the paper.
"It's making a mockery of Charles Schwartz and his philosophy. Okay, so he may be dead and he isn't creating any new comic strips, but that hasn't stopped papers reprinting bits out of the Bible or the Koran and the guys that wrote those moralising books of crap died thousands of years ago."
