Church of Scientology denies involvement in Heath Ledger death

NEW YORK TIMES - Church of Scientology head David Miscavige released a statement earlier today denying any involvement by the Church of Scientology in the death of Australian actor Heath Ledger.

"I think it is important for people to know that the Church of Scientology had nothing to do with the death of Heath Ledger," said Church of Scientology Head Idiot David Miscavige, "and I hope people recognise that means we are not evil."

The statement came in spite of a complete lack of interest in the church or any suspicions that the Church of Scientology were involved in any way in the death of Heath Ledger.

"Just because we have a track record of locking people in hotel rooms and finding them dead, does not mean we were involved in this particular case. Might I also add that when we do it with drug addicts and mental patients that we have 'freed' from institutions we make sure we don't leave any drugs in the room. As Tom Cruise said on that video, 'We are the authorities'."

Mr Miscavige continued, "Not wanting to rub it in for you non believers, but you wouldn't see Tom Cruise kill himself 'accidentally' in a hotel room. No. He's a Scientologist. Heath wasn't. So if you don't want to die of an accidental drug overdose, maybe you should think about becoming a Scientologist."

"Oh, also, before you think this is a crass ploy to keep Scientology in the headlines while distracting people from 'that' video of Tom Cruise, let me just say that I'm not just mentioning the name Heath Ledger to ensure we come up on more google searches. Believe me. I don't want that. Heath Ledger would not have wanted that. Heath Ledger, Heath Ledger, Heath Ledger. No. Heath Ledger would not have wanted his name, Heath Ledger, to be used in such a manner. And we won't do that. Not to Heath Ledger."