Heath Ledger anagrams give clues to death

Spooky anagrams for the name "Heath Ledger". Particularly number 8.

1. Death Hedger


2. Hedge Dearth


3. Deed Hat Hedge


4. Held the Gear


5. Hedged Reath


6. He let her da


7. He Held Great


8. The Olsen Twins Did It


9. Rate He Leed

Oscar winners leaked - Heath Ledger to receive award

LOS ANGELES TIMES - In a year where the the movie industry has been rocked by the Writers Guild Strike, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences now has its one surprise - the Oscar winners - listed on an internet web site.

The winners contain some surprises, with the recent death of Heath Ledger playing some part in the voting by the Academy's members.

The winners are highlighted in the list below.

Best motion picture of the year:

“Atonement” (Focus Features) – a Working Title Production
Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner and Paul Webster, Producers
“Juno” (Fox Searchlight) - a Dancing Elk Pictures, LLC Production
Lianne Halfon, Mason Novick and Russell Smith, Producers
“Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.) - a Clayton Productions, LLC Production
Sydney Pollack, Jennifer Fox and Kerry Orent, Producers
“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) - a Scott Rudin/Mike Zoss Production
Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) - a JoAnne Sellar/Ghoulardi Film Company Production
JoAnne Sellar, Paul Thomas Anderson and Daniel Lupi, Producers
Winner : Heath Ledger

Achievement in directing:
Julian Schnabel - “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
Jason Reitman - “Juno”
Tony Gilroy - “Michael Clayton”
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen - “No Country for Old Men”
Paul Thomas Anderson - “There Will Be Blood”
Winner - Heath Ledger

Actor in a leading role:
George Clooney in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros)
Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)
Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”(DreamWorks and Warner Bros)
Tommy Lee Jones in “In the Valley of Elah” (Warner Independent)
Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises” (Focus Features)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Actress in a leading role:
Cate Blanchett in “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” (Universal)
Julie Christie in “Away from Her” (Lionsgate)
Marion Cotillard in “La Vie en Rose” (Picturehouse)
Laura Linney in “The Savages” (Fox Searchlight)
Ellen Page in “Juno” (Fox Searchlight)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Actor in a supporting role:
Casey Affleck in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” (Warner Bros.)
Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)
Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War” (Universal)
Hal Holbrook in “Into the Wild” (Paramount Vantage and River Road Entertainment)
Tom Wilkinson in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Actress in a supporting role:
Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There” (The Weinstein Company)
Ruby Dee in “American Gangster” (Universal)
Saoirse Ronan in “Atonement” (Focus Features)
Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone” (Miramax)
Tilda Swinton in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best animated feature film:
“Persepolis” (Sony Pictures Classics) - Marjane Satrapi and Vincent Paronnaud
“Ratatouille” (Walt Disney) - Brad Bird
“Surf’s Up” (Sony Pictures Releasing) - Ash Brannon and Chris Buck
Winner : Heath Ledger

Achievement in cinematography:
“The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” - Roger Deakins
“Atonement” - Jacqueline Durran
“Elizabeth: The Golden Age” - Alexandra Byrne
“La Vie en Rose” - Marit Allen
“Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” - Colleen Atwood
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best Original Screenplay:
“Juno” - Diablo Cody
“Lars and the Real Girl” - Nancy Oliver
“Michael Clayton” - Tony Gilroy
“Ratatouille” - Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird
“The Savages” - Tamara Jenkins
Winner : Heath Ledger

Achievement in art direction:
“American Gangster” (Universal) - Art Direction: Arthur Max; Set Decoration: Beth A. Rubino
“Atonement” (Focus Features) - Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
“The Golden Compass” (New Line & Ingenious Film Partners) - Art Direction: Dennis Gassner; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock
“Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” (DreamWorks and Warner Bros) - Art Direction: Dante Ferretti; Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo
“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) - Art Direction: Jack Fisk; Set Decoration: Jim Erickson
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best Documentary Feature:
“No End in Sight” (Magnolia Pictures)
“Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience” (The Documentary Group)
“Sicko” (Lionsgate and The Weinstein Company)
“Taxi to the Dark Side” (Think Film)
“War/Dance” (Think Film)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best foreign language film:
“Beaufort” a Metro Communications, Movie Plus Production - Israel
“The Counterfeiters” An Aichholzer Filmproduktion, Magnolia Filmproduktion Production - Austria
“Katy?” An Akson Studio Production - Poland
“Mongol” A Eurasia Film Production - Kazakhstan
“12” A Three T Production - Russia
Winner : Heath Ledger

Harbajan Singh innocent - India still thrashed by Australia so who cares?

SYDNEY MORNING HERALD - World cricket authorities have caved in to the game's financial superpower, India, and Cricket Australia has incurred the wrath of its own Test players by pressuring them to drop a racial slur charge against Harbhajan Singh.


The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) had even chartered a plane to take its players home tomorrow if the Indian player's three-Test suspension - for calling Australia's Andrew Symonds a monkey during the Sydney Test - had not been overturned at yesterday's appeal in the Federal Court in Adelaide.

"What people have to realise is how ludicrous this all is," said a Cricket Australia spokesperson," you've got the black Australia player that hardly anyone realised was black being called a racist term for a black man by an Indian, who, let's face it, is probably blacker than our guy anyway. Surely you can see why that's funny. C'mon, you've gotta' admit it."

A plane is also being kept available for the Indian team if they decide to throw their toys in the air if any of their batsmen are legitimately given out or their bowlers deliver a bowl that does not take a wicket.

"You could say we are taking it a bit too far," said a BCCI spokesperson, "but I feel we have that right. We have more money than any other cricket playing team (which isn't that hard when you look at the competition) and well, if we don't want to play because you won't do what we say, then we won't play. Oh, and how dare that person from Cricket Australia say that Indians are black. Indians are far superior than blacks and we take that as a racist comment."

President Bush backs Obama, Obama campaign now "doomed"

AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE - President George Bush, rejecting entreaties from the Obama camp, is set to endorse Senator Barack Obama’s presidential bid on Monday as part of an effort to lend Bush credibility and charisma before the 22-state Feb. 5 showdown for the Democratic nomination.

The endorsement follows a similar endorsement by the Kennedy clan for Barack Obama's nomination.

"We'd been fearing this would happen," said one Obama campaign strategist. "All the republicans have refused to accept any support from Bush, so it was only a matter of time before he swung his support behind our campaign."

The endorsement, which followed a public appeal on Mr. Obama’s behalf by Caroline Kennedy, the daughter of President John F. Kennedy, was a blow to the Obama campaign.

Mr Bush intends to campaign aggressively for Mr. Obama, beginning with an appearance and rally with him in Washington on Monday.

"I think these times are important, "said President Bush, "and in important times it is important to know where you stand and when I'm standing somewhere I know that it's important to back Barack Obama where he stands. And that's important."

The endorsement ios a big boost to the Clinton campaigns, as well as Republican candidates who have refused to accept any calls from Washington since the primary race began.

"It was a mistake on our part," said the Obama spokesperson, "we thought we were getting a call to say, 'Come on in - you might as well have the presidency now' but he double bluffed us. Though I'm not sure if he realised what he was doing or who he was talking to. The point is he's committed to it now and Obama's too pilote to tell Bush to f%^k off, so here we are."

We'll say 'sorry' to aborigines really soon, honest!

Australian Aboriginal Affairs Minister Jenny Macklin today announced, yet again, that they would be apologising to the country's Aborigines for past injustices "sometime really soon, honest, we mean it this time."

The apology would fulfil a pledge made by the prime minister, Kevin Rudd, after his Labor party won the November elections.

During and subsequent to the landslide election win, the Labor government has kept stating they will "make the apology straight away and get it out of the way and we feel the best way to do it is to constantly come out saying we will be apologising 'soon' and then move the date back. We hope everyone will have forgotten by the time we get around to not actually apologising or apologising in such a way that it isn't actually an apology in the first place."

Commentators put the delay down to a large poaching of ex Howard staffers onto the Labor Government.

Heath Ledger death investigation breakthrough

THE AUSTRALIAN - John Olsen OA, Australian Consul-General in Los Angeles, creator of the G'day USA campaign and father of the Olsen twins, was today accused of going 'one step to far' when it was revealed he was behind the death of Heath Ledger.

The G'day USA campaign was started by John Olsen five years ago to raise the profile of Australia overseas. Although the last four years had been successful with high profile events run over a fortnight in January, there was immense pressure on Mr Olsen to pick up the momentum.

It was this need for momentum that led to the organisation arranging the death of Australian actor Heath Ledger as a focus point for the G'day USA week in Los Angeles.

"We've had a lot of big names involved in the past - Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Hugo Weaving, Baz Luhrmann, Kylie Minogue, " said a G'day USA campaign spokesperson, "but we really needed something that would never be forgotten."

Discussions within the organisation identified the longevity of dead starts Marilyn Monroe, James Dean and Elvis Presley.

"When we saw how well Australia Zoo were doing after Steve Irwin's 'accident', we thought that could be the angle to really push."

It was this need to publicise the organisation that led to the discovery by Federal Bureau of Investigations Famous Person Suicide Investigations Team.

"After the unfortunate death of Heath Ledger", said a FBI spokesperson who preferred to remain suited and wearing glasses, "there was a spike in googling of his name. One of our agents noticed that alongside the google results there were ads for G'day USA that gave us the clue we were looking for to hone in on the activities of that organisation.

"Soon enough, by going undercover as Stephen Spielberg wanting to produce a movie in Australia, we were able to discovered the link between John Olsen and Heath Ledger's death in the New York apartment owned by one of Mr Olsen's twin daughters Mary-Kate and Ashley."

G'Day USA has closed while John Olsen, his twin daughters and company associates are due to appear in New York Criminal Courts at 11.15 EST pleading guilty to a series of yet to be determined charges.

Hugh Grant awarded Order of Australia

Hugh Grant has been awarded an Order of Australia (OA) by Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd.

Hugh Grant, from Rockhampton, received the honour for his work with the Queensland Law Society and for not being the actor Hugh Grant (pictured).

PS. This report is actually true(ish) - check out this link to the list or OA awardees.

Man slightly bitten by shark

THE AUSTRALIAN - A tuna fisherman has been slightly bitten on the leg by a shark off the Gold Coast.

It is believed he had been reeling the shark aboard a fishing boat more than 100 nautical miles off Coolangatta today.

"I reeled the bugger in and as I yanked the shark into the boat, one of his fins brushed my leg So it was more of a graze than a bite per se. Look, you can see the scar. No, that's a birthmark. See that one, right, umm, oh hang on it was on the other leg. It bloody hurt. Really, it did."

The man was winched onboard an RACQ CareFlight helicopter about 10.30am (AEST) and was taken to Gold Coast Hospital for treatment.

A spokesman for CareFlight said the tuna boat was from Mooloolaba on the Sunshine Coast. Though what this has to do with the story is anyone's guess.

Church of Scientology denies involvement in Heath Ledger death

NEW YORK TIMES - Church of Scientology head David Miscavige released a statement earlier today denying any involvement by the Church of Scientology in the death of Australian actor Heath Ledger.

"I think it is important for people to know that the Church of Scientology had nothing to do with the death of Heath Ledger," said Church of Scientology Head Idiot David Miscavige, "and I hope people recognise that means we are not evil."

The statement came in spite of a complete lack of interest in the church or any suspicions that the Church of Scientology were involved in any way in the death of Heath Ledger.

"Just because we have a track record of locking people in hotel rooms and finding them dead, does not mean we were involved in this particular case. Might I also add that when we do it with drug addicts and mental patients that we have 'freed' from institutions we make sure we don't leave any drugs in the room. As Tom Cruise said on that video, 'We are the authorities'."

Mr Miscavige continued, "Not wanting to rub it in for you non believers, but you wouldn't see Tom Cruise kill himself 'accidentally' in a hotel room. No. He's a Scientologist. Heath wasn't. So if you don't want to die of an accidental drug overdose, maybe you should think about becoming a Scientologist."

"Oh, also, before you think this is a crass ploy to keep Scientology in the headlines while distracting people from 'that' video of Tom Cruise, let me just say that I'm not just mentioning the name Heath Ledger to ensure we come up on more google searches. Believe me. I don't want that. Heath Ledger would not have wanted that. Heath Ledger, Heath Ledger, Heath Ledger. No. Heath Ledger would not have wanted his name, Heath Ledger, to be used in such a manner. And we won't do that. Not to Heath Ledger."

The Bulletin axed - world too busy googling "Heath Ledger" to notice

THE AUSTRALIAN - AUSTRALIA'S oldest news magazine, The Bulletin, has been closed after more than a century of publishing. ACP announced the closure of the magazine, launched in 1880, this morning, saying it had become unsustainable with sales of just 57,000.

In comparison, over 400 million google searches on "Heath Ledger" were submitted in the last 48 hours.

If they'd waited one more day, The Bulletin could have run with heath Ledge on the cover and made enough to keep running for another year. At least

Federal Bank slashes official lending rate to -2%

NEW YORK TIMES - The U.S Federal Bank has followed the .75% reduction in rates to 3% with another rate reduction of 5%, taking the official rate to -2%.

The massive cut was made after the first minor rate reduction saw a slight bounce on the stock exchange after twelve consecutive days of losses.

"We've already taken a point of here and there," said Federal bank Chairman Ben Bernanke," and it only fixes things for a day before everyone starts panicking again, so when President Bush suggested it would make sense to make the interest rate a negative, we all though, 'to hell with it' and cut the rate by a full five percentage points."

The cut marks the first time that the official cash rate has gone into negative. Investors have been buoyed to push shares back up to levels prior to the fortnight of successive falls.

"We think it's great", said one leading dealer, " I don't really understand why, but if enough people think it's good, it doesn't matter."

Australian banks acknowledged the unprecendented cut by raising their home lending rates by 3.75%.

"We know it doesn't make sense to some people," said an ANZ spokesperson,
"but, well, we don't really care."

Graphic account of teacher accused of weekly sex with girl

SYDNEY MORNING HERALD - A secondary school teacher had weekly sex with a student in a school darkroom, a Victorian court has been told.

Paul Anthony Segar, 50, of Mount Waverley, appeared in the County Court in Melbourne today charged with two counts of an indecent act with a child under the age of 16, four counts of sexual penetration with a child under 16 and four counts of sexual penetration with a child aged 16 to 17 while under his care and supervision.

The court was told the alleged offences happened at a secondary school in Melbourne's eastern suburbs, between 1992 and 1994, and began when the girl was 14 years old.

Prosecutor Steve Dewberry told the court the victim, who cannot be identified for legal reasons, was first approached by Segar on a school curriculum day in February 1992, when she went to return a compact disc to another teacher.

Segar took the victim into an office where he....

Now, normally the newspaper article would go into enough detail at this point to vaguely skirt the line between repulsion and arousal.

Have you had a think about why you want to read the details about the case? Maybe you should have a bit of a think about your sexual preferences, because when it comes down to it, taking the time to read a graphic account of the sex between a teacher and an underaged girl is only a small step away from going out there and becoming, a, what do they call it again? That's right, a paedophile.

Or is that it? By reading about it you purge yourself of your desires to commit a similar crime.

If you searched out this article, just have a think about it while looking at this picture of Amy Winehouse.

I hope that makes you have a good hard look at yourself.

Obama goes Barack to the drawing board

LOS ANGELES TIMES - After being defeated by Senator Clinton for a successive time in the Nevada Primary, Senator Obama has had to go "barack to the drawing board" for the rest of his campaign.

Umm, that's it. I just wanted to use the story headline somewhere. Nothing else to report really.

MacBook Air fits in envelope - just don't post it

WORLD NEWS SERVICE - Just days after being released, buyers of the MacBook Air are reporting issues after posting their new ultra slim laptop in the manilla envelope used in the Apple advertisements.

"I don't understand it," said Joan Berwtiz, from Portland, Seattle "they sell the machine by saying it can fit into a manilla envelope and then when you post it it arrives all banged up and doesn't work. What's the point."

Dell have quickly swooped on the anti MacBook Air sentiment by re-badging their entire line of laptops, calling them the "Dell AirFreight". Each product is the size of a standard shipping crate, thus allowing for reliable transportation.

Tom Cruise denies filming "leaked" Scientology acceptance speech

NEW YORK TIMES - Tom Cruise last night denied filming the leaked Scientology video recently uploaded to Gawker and YouTube, calling the accusation "simply wild".

"Iknow it looks like me, sounds like me, and if you get really close to the screen, even smells like me, but it wasn't me," said the multimillion dollar actor and producer of the Mission Impossible franchise. "I would never say the things that people accuse me of saying in this video," "at least, not to the general public. They'd think I was a nutter."

The response came after an anonymous source uploaded Cruise's acceptance speech for receiving a Freedom Medal Award at a recent Church of Scientology (CSI) ceremony.

Two other points of interest about the video. The first being the speech was more of a ramble, something many people have put down to the recent Writers Guild strike and the second being that no one has asked why their big figurehead had to pre-record his acceptance speech and have it played on a huge screen at the ceremony.

To paraphrase your speech Tom, "you're either with us or against us" so at least have the courtesy to turn up in person to your freaky non religion awards ceremony. It gives all the underlings that shell out all their cash for "courses" instead of acting classes some hope they will meet someone famous in the cult other than Jenna Elfman.

That is, unless you are unable to actually talk about the cult in a live situation without looking like a dickweed. Mission Impossible perhaps, Tom?

Scientology Christmas display breaks Hollywood attendance records

LOS ANGELES TIMES -It has taken some time for the stats to come in, but, against all the odds, the Scientology Christmas display on Hollywood Boulevard has exceeded all previous audience estimates for the third year running.

The picture shows the hoards of children dragging their parents towards the display just so they can sit on Santa's knee and embrace the "trusting" message of L Ron Hubbard and his bravely misunderstood tax evaders and space aliens.

Not even Santa bothered to hang around after two children expressed their views on Scientology in the only way they knew how. (See picture below

"You know, we did this in a spirit of Christmas and good will," said one Scientology representative, "We even have a guy selling hotdogs (pictured just off frame to the left). Well, he would be if he had someone to sell them to."

The scientologists are said to be confused why people don't trust them. Says one Scientology representative from the Hollywood Celebrity Centre:

"Just because we took the idea of rebirth from the Buddhists, Christmas from Judaism (and Coca-Cola) and the stuff about aliens from C grade science fiction writers, all of a sudden people don't trust us. Oh, and the whole 'Snow White' thing, the fact we sued the Washington Post for giving away the secret about Xenu and the DC8 space aeroplanes and that the whole 'religion' states psych drugs can't be used when L Ron Hubbard died while doped to his eye balls on Vistaril. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is... I really shoudn't have just told you that and I need to enter a witness protection programme. Right now. Help me."

When questioned, the Archbishop of Canterbury (who just happened to be cruising around Sunset and Gower in his Humvee on a sojourn from England) spoke with a funny accent and pretended he didn't hear before driving away rapidly. We put this down to him being British.

Critical design flaw discovered in MacBook Air

NEW YORK TIMES - Apple experts around the world were stunned today to already discover a fatal design flaw with the newly announced MacBook Air.

The excitement was palpable as Apple today introduced the world’s thinnest notebook: MacBook Air. It measures an unprecedented 0.16 inches at its thinnest point while its maximum height of 0.76 inches is less than the thinnest point on competing notebooks.

"The specs all look good," said one leading expert who refused to be named, "but every screen permanently shows a reflection of Steve Jobs on it. Look at the photo for Christ's sake! I mean, I like the guy, but there's a limit."

Apple CEO Steve Jobs was not available for comment. We did send an email, but if he's using his new MacBook Air we imagine he is being distracted by his reflection.

Brisbane pedestrian says "Excuse me"

THE COURIER MAIL - Breaking news just to hand that a pedestrian in Brisbane CBD has said "Excuse me" while trying to get past someone else on the footpath.

The incident, which happened on Edward Street between Margaret and Charlotte Street at 11.13am EST (1.13am GMT or sometime tomorrow in U.S. time) has been confirmed by two different sources.

"I was pretty amazed," said Bruce, 27, "normally if people try to get past other people on Brisbane footpaths they huff and puff quietly behind the unknowing person, only to 'tsk' angrily and glare once they have overtaken the person who was unaware they were in the way in the first place."

A second eyewitness confirmed this version of events.

"That's exactly what happened. Yep. Who ever would have thought that saying 'Excuse me' or alerting the person in some way that you are behind them and want to get around would actually help. you learn something new every day I suppose."

Brisbane Lord Mayor Campbell Newman was quick to release a statement to allay fears of an epidemic.

"I urge all pedestrians in Brisbane to stay silent. In no way does this mean we have to be like that comparable cultural capital London and start saying "Excuse me" all the time. People should be able to sense when you are behind them on the footpath and let them speed past. Look over your shoulder if need be to make sure you are not getting in the way of someone else. Every thirty seconds should do it."

The pedestrian in question was not available for comment. Well, we didn't say "Excuse me" and just assumed they would know we wanted them to make a statement. How inconsiderate of them. Tsk Tsk

Obama and Clinton to settle presidential candidacy with paper-scissors-rock

Democratic presidential hopefuls Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton and Senator Barack Obama have decided to fight it out with a best of five game of paper-scissors-rock.

The move came about when the two candidates met on the campaign trail after the New Hampshire primary went to Senator Clinton. In the conversation, they agreed that they were the two main candidates and since they were at one win a piece, the rest of the contest would be too close to call.

"I turned to Hillary and I said, 'Hillary, let's give all the money we are using on the campaign for good." said Senator Obama. "Help feed the homeless, inject it into public hospitals or maybe even finally give some money to the people of New Orleans to start rebuilding two years after Hurricane Katrina.' Hillary looked at me and said, 'Hell yeah', which for Hillary is pretty freaking weird on many levels."

That night both camps disbanded their campaign teams and distributed their campaign war chests to a number of unspecified charities.

"We figure the amount of money we spend on campaigns is more than any of these charities receive during the course of the year from the US government."said Senator Clinton. "In this way, we are able to contribute to our country in a way we probably won't be able to do when one of us is elected."

The live broadcast of the best of five paper-scissors-rock will be broadcast live on CBS, straight after Two and a Half Men.

Osama Bin Laden nearly captured thanks to Google Earth

NEW YORK TIMES - After close to five years of searching since the September 11 2001 bombings, U.S. Intelligence forces nearly capture Osama Bin Laden (pictured - just in case you don't know what he looks like).

The tip off came from Jason Swinburne Jnr of South Carolina who spotted him while doing a search for a location using Google Earth.

"I was trying to locate the part of the map of the globe that has the Maxim cover the size of a football field. Eva Longoria is so hot."

As Jason zoomed in, he found a man with a beard wearing a turban with two hands in the air holding model aeroplanes.

"It looked like he was pretending to fly the aeroplanes into each other. That's when I knew it had to be Osama Bin Laden. That's just how I imagined him."

Jason immediately contacted US authorities who promptly came and told him to shut up and not mention the sighting ever again. Since then, Osama Bin Laden has disappeared.

"I don't understand why I'm being persecuted," said Jason through his legal representatives, "what reason would out government have for not finding Osama Bin Laden. If they had got him when I said so, he would be locked up and Al-Qaeda would no longer be a threat to America. We could rest easy. We could leave Iraq. We could make friends with muslims. I just don't get it."

Symonds tells Singh : I'll get my dad to beat up your dad

The "monkeygate" crisis escalated today with Australian cricketer Andrew Symonds telling Harbhajan Singh that he would get his dad to beat up Singh's dad.

The shock escalation of the crisis in international cricket occurred when Singh claimed yesterday that he did not use the words "monkey", instead using a Punjabi phrase that means "motherfucker". For Symonds, that was enough.

"I'm pretty relaxed about my background," said Symonds in a press statement earlier today, "but when some Paki thinks calling me a motherfucker is better than a monkey I just have to bring the big guns in. So I called my dad, and he said he'd beet up Harbhajan Singh's dad. Which I think is an entirely fair and grown-up way to deal with this crisis in international cricket."

When asked for a reply, Singh claimed that it doesn't matter what he said on the field anyway, because he had his fingers crossed behind his back and we all know that means it doesn't count.

Man burns chop - fire alarm doesn't go off

GUARDIAN - Shockwaves have been felt around the globe as a result of a man cooking a chop in his Hither Green flat that did not set off the fire alarm in his unit.

"I was stunned," said Peter Caldwell, 18, from Hither Green, "normally it goes off the second I set foot in the kitchen. But this time no. What's the world coming to?"

Fire alarms have become a part of everyday life in the western world, being installed and maintained by respective fire departments. They have contributed to saving lives otherwise killed by fire and ending lives that would have been saved if people hadn't been on the verge of murder due to the irritation caused by fire alarms that go off when you are trying to prepare a salad (pictured).

Fire alarm groups have been quick to point out that it isn't the fault of the fire alarm and that maybe the makers of the batteries should be blamed... I mean, questioned.

Others blame Big Brother, for no apparent reason other than the fact that the show really pisses them off.

Still others blame Peter Caldwell, because any 18 year old that looks like him has got other issues they should start dealing with.

Indian cricket team forces Umpire Steve Bucknor to be replaced

THE AGE - After narrowly losing to the Australian cricket team in a game they were never going to win anyway, the Indian team have forced the ICC to replace Jamaican umpire Steve Bucknor.

The suspension of Indian spinner Harbhajan Singh for calling Australian player Andrew Symonds "monkey" forced India to do something.

"We are unhappy about the suspension for racial abuse," said an Indian Cricket spokesperson, "so we figure the best way to demonstrate that we aren't racists is to get that monkey Steve Bucknor replaced with a white South African umpire. "

Everyone can now continue to not follow the cricket with an easy mind.

Back catalogue coming back at ya'

People have been contacting us about the back catalogue of It's All Lies.

"Where is all the 'gold' from 2005 through to 2006?" To which we reply, "What the fuck are you doing wasting your time reading old articles? You do realise they are topical and are out of date after a week, day or sometimes hours."

Well, you sad sack, keep checking over the next week as the old 'gold' is put up on the site again to complement the new gold being put on the blog on an irregular basis. June and late May 2006 are already up there - earlier articles will be up there shortly.

Rudd to scrap Howard's history

THE AGE - The Rudd Government is expected to scrap plans to force the states to introduce compulsory Australian history classes from next year.

In particular, they will be scrapping any mention of John Howard from the history books. Kind of similar to how he removed any mention to the stolen generation or land rights.

A spokeswoman for Julia Gillard, Minister For All The Major Stuff That Kevin Doesn't Have Time For Unless There's A Real Cock Up, has told The Age that although history would be a compulsory component of the national curriculum for parts of the secondary school years, the new Government would work collaboratively with states and territories, rather than impose things on them, unless of course they disagreed.

Kind of like how they propose to fix every other problem involving the states.

It's All Lies triumphant return

It has been nearly two month since the election that sank the Liberal Party on a big Howard shaped anchor and the Rudd Labour government (or should that be the Rudd-Rudd Government) has had all this time to make my life better.

And have they? No.

Has someone removed the detritus of society to make the world a better place? No. Have the problems of climate change, overpopulation and Paris Hilton been solved? No.

All this can only mean one thing. After a year and a half offline, It's All Lies is returning.

Will it be good? Probably not. Will it be topical? Who cares. Will anybody read it? Probably not. But someone will write it, and in the land of the blog that is all that matters