Airforce One first aircraft denied access to U.S air space

GUARDIAN - The US administration has forced 27 governments of the European Union to sign up for a range of new security measures for transatlantic travel, including allowing armed guards on all flights from Europe to America by US airlines.

It also enforces a range of measures allowing U.S Air Control to deny access to any suspicious aircraft.

Unfortunately, the first flight to be declined entry was Airforce One, as the President and his entourage were in Cuba we ferrying cocaine and hookers back to the U.S. at the time.

"Yes, you could say it is a little embarassing to have the President's private jumbo turned around due laws introduced by Bush. You could even say it was ironic, I suppose, but hell, everyone's too busy watching Hillary and Barack fight it out to give two hoots about the current President."

Roy Schneider dies - surprisingly, it wasn't a shark

DEFAMER - As the world mourned the loss of actor Roy Schneider, Hollywood honoured his loss in the only way it knows how - swapping out the CSI franchise for episodes of Hill Street Blues and running Jaws marathons.

"Think of it as our way of honouring him," said one Fox representative, "just don't think of it as cashing in. If we were going to cash in on it, we would have kept his death secret long enough for us to finish getting through all the Heath Ledger stuff. Batman hasn't even been released yet so we can't afford for people to forget Heath, even if Roy died of a shark bite."

Reports suggest that Mr Scheider, 75, died of cancer, not of a shark attack.

"I think you have to check your sources," said a rep for Stephen Speilberg's company Dreamworks, "because cancer is a kind of shark that bites away at you with it's teeth, and, well okay, that's all I've got. Want a Jaws III doll?"

Clinton unleashes Orb of Destruction on Obama

NEW YORK TIMES - Following today's inconclusive "Super Tuesday", Senator Clinton unleashed an "Orb of Destruction" on rival democrat, Senator Obama.

The orb (pictured), was released from the index finger of Senator Clinton's right hand. The index finger on her left hand (not pictured) remained planted firmly up her husband's butt, just in case he decided to say something stupid again before polling closed.

Although smiling as she unleashed the orb, sources deny she also said, "and your little dog too", a reference to a character from "The Wizard of Oz".

Heath Ledger anagrams give clues to death

Spooky anagrams for the name "Heath Ledger". Particularly number 8.

1. Death Hedger


2. Hedge Dearth


3. Deed Hat Hedge


4. Held the Gear


5. Hedged Reath


6. He let her da


7. He Held Great


8. The Olsen Twins Did It


9. Rate He Leed

Oscar winners leaked - Heath Ledger to receive award

LOS ANGELES TIMES - In a year where the the movie industry has been rocked by the Writers Guild Strike, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences now has its one surprise - the Oscar winners - listed on an internet web site.

The winners contain some surprises, with the recent death of Heath Ledger playing some part in the voting by the Academy's members.

The winners are highlighted in the list below.

Best motion picture of the year:

“Atonement” (Focus Features) – a Working Title Production
Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner and Paul Webster, Producers
“Juno” (Fox Searchlight) - a Dancing Elk Pictures, LLC Production
Lianne Halfon, Mason Novick and Russell Smith, Producers
“Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.) - a Clayton Productions, LLC Production
Sydney Pollack, Jennifer Fox and Kerry Orent, Producers
“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) - a Scott Rudin/Mike Zoss Production
Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) - a JoAnne Sellar/Ghoulardi Film Company Production
JoAnne Sellar, Paul Thomas Anderson and Daniel Lupi, Producers
Winner : Heath Ledger

Achievement in directing:
Julian Schnabel - “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
Jason Reitman - “Juno”
Tony Gilroy - “Michael Clayton”
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen - “No Country for Old Men”
Paul Thomas Anderson - “There Will Be Blood”
Winner - Heath Ledger

Actor in a leading role:
George Clooney in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros)
Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)
Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”(DreamWorks and Warner Bros)
Tommy Lee Jones in “In the Valley of Elah” (Warner Independent)
Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises” (Focus Features)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Actress in a leading role:
Cate Blanchett in “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” (Universal)
Julie Christie in “Away from Her” (Lionsgate)
Marion Cotillard in “La Vie en Rose” (Picturehouse)
Laura Linney in “The Savages” (Fox Searchlight)
Ellen Page in “Juno” (Fox Searchlight)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Actor in a supporting role:
Casey Affleck in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” (Warner Bros.)
Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)
Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War” (Universal)
Hal Holbrook in “Into the Wild” (Paramount Vantage and River Road Entertainment)
Tom Wilkinson in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Actress in a supporting role:
Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There” (The Weinstein Company)
Ruby Dee in “American Gangster” (Universal)
Saoirse Ronan in “Atonement” (Focus Features)
Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone” (Miramax)
Tilda Swinton in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best animated feature film:
“Persepolis” (Sony Pictures Classics) - Marjane Satrapi and Vincent Paronnaud
“Ratatouille” (Walt Disney) - Brad Bird
“Surf’s Up” (Sony Pictures Releasing) - Ash Brannon and Chris Buck
Winner : Heath Ledger

Achievement in cinematography:
“The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” - Roger Deakins
“Atonement” - Jacqueline Durran
“Elizabeth: The Golden Age” - Alexandra Byrne
“La Vie en Rose” - Marit Allen
“Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” - Colleen Atwood
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best Original Screenplay:
“Juno” - Diablo Cody
“Lars and the Real Girl” - Nancy Oliver
“Michael Clayton” - Tony Gilroy
“Ratatouille” - Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird
“The Savages” - Tamara Jenkins
Winner : Heath Ledger

Achievement in art direction:
“American Gangster” (Universal) - Art Direction: Arthur Max; Set Decoration: Beth A. Rubino
“Atonement” (Focus Features) - Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
“The Golden Compass” (New Line & Ingenious Film Partners) - Art Direction: Dennis Gassner; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock
“Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” (DreamWorks and Warner Bros) - Art Direction: Dante Ferretti; Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo
“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) - Art Direction: Jack Fisk; Set Decoration: Jim Erickson
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best Documentary Feature:
“No End in Sight” (Magnolia Pictures)
“Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience” (The Documentary Group)
“Sicko” (Lionsgate and The Weinstein Company)
“Taxi to the Dark Side” (Think Film)
“War/Dance” (Think Film)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best foreign language film:
“Beaufort” a Metro Communications, Movie Plus Production - Israel
“The Counterfeiters” An Aichholzer Filmproduktion, Magnolia Filmproduktion Production - Austria
“Katy?” An Akson Studio Production - Poland
“Mongol” A Eurasia Film Production - Kazakhstan
“12” A Three T Production - Russia
Winner : Heath Ledger

Harbajan Singh innocent - India still thrashed by Australia so who cares?

SYDNEY MORNING HERALD - World cricket authorities have caved in to the game's financial superpower, India, and Cricket Australia has incurred the wrath of its own Test players by pressuring them to drop a racial slur charge against Harbhajan Singh.


The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) had even chartered a plane to take its players home tomorrow if the Indian player's three-Test suspension - for calling Australia's Andrew Symonds a monkey during the Sydney Test - had not been overturned at yesterday's appeal in the Federal Court in Adelaide.

"What people have to realise is how ludicrous this all is," said a Cricket Australia spokesperson," you've got the black Australia player that hardly anyone realised was black being called a racist term for a black man by an Indian, who, let's face it, is probably blacker than our guy anyway. Surely you can see why that's funny. C'mon, you've gotta' admit it."

A plane is also being kept available for the Indian team if they decide to throw their toys in the air if any of their batsmen are legitimately given out or their bowlers deliver a bowl that does not take a wicket.

"You could say we are taking it a bit too far," said a BCCI spokesperson, "but I feel we have that right. We have more money than any other cricket playing team (which isn't that hard when you look at the competition) and well, if we don't want to play because you won't do what we say, then we won't play. Oh, and how dare that person from Cricket Australia say that Indians are black. Indians are far superior than blacks and we take that as a racist comment."

President Bush backs Obama, Obama campaign now "doomed"

AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE - President George Bush, rejecting entreaties from the Obama camp, is set to endorse Senator Barack Obama’s presidential bid on Monday as part of an effort to lend Bush credibility and charisma before the 22-state Feb. 5 showdown for the Democratic nomination.

The endorsement follows a similar endorsement by the Kennedy clan for Barack Obama's nomination.

"We'd been fearing this would happen," said one Obama campaign strategist. "All the republicans have refused to accept any support from Bush, so it was only a matter of time before he swung his support behind our campaign."

The endorsement, which followed a public appeal on Mr. Obama’s behalf by Caroline Kennedy, the daughter of President John F. Kennedy, was a blow to the Obama campaign.

Mr Bush intends to campaign aggressively for Mr. Obama, beginning with an appearance and rally with him in Washington on Monday.

"I think these times are important, "said President Bush, "and in important times it is important to know where you stand and when I'm standing somewhere I know that it's important to back Barack Obama where he stands. And that's important."

The endorsement ios a big boost to the Clinton campaigns, as well as Republican candidates who have refused to accept any calls from Washington since the primary race began.

"It was a mistake on our part," said the Obama spokesperson, "we thought we were getting a call to say, 'Come on in - you might as well have the presidency now' but he double bluffed us. Though I'm not sure if he realised what he was doing or who he was talking to. The point is he's committed to it now and Obama's too pilote to tell Bush to f%^k off, so here we are."