Missing British tourist found safe - Backpacker Adbucting Association promise they will "try harder" next time

SYDNEY MORNING HERALD - A 24-year-old British tourist missing for over a week was found today on the Central Coast.

Ms Embleton had last been seen at the Three Wise Monkeys bar in Sydney's CBD on April 22 and there were fears that she had been abducted. Fears that were allayed by her appearance at the Gosford Police Station.

"Yeah, we pretty much assumed she was a goner," admitted Police Sargeant Terry O'Keefe, "I mean it's pretty rare that any of these English backpackers are lookers and you can see she's a bit of a honey. If I was into abducting I would have picked her. I'm not obviously, because I'm a cop, but we all have hobbies on the weekend and, well, I think I might just close the press conference there. Thank you for coming. "

Police said she had told a bar patron she had lost the money for her return flight while gambling at Star City casino.

She later failed to appear at a farewell party planned for her by friends, and missed her flight from Sydney Airport the following Monday.

Ms Francis Mary Embleton explained the non-appearance at the party by stating it was just a bunch of Aussie friends she didn't like and was never going to see again anyway. Missing the plane took a little bit more explaining on her part.

"I did lose the money at the casino," Ms Embleton confessed, "and I thought I would just turn a few tricks to get the money for the airfare back."

Unfortunately for Ms Embleton, none of the high rollers at the Star City casino were interested in paying her money to try and pick which of the three cups had a ball hidden under it or to watch her juggle.

"When it seemed like that was going nowhere I decided to call it quits and spent the rest of the night indulging in hard core sexual fantasies for corporate high fliers. If only there was a way of making money out of doing that kind of thing I would have been right to pay my flight."

No one has pointed out how she lost her money to pay for a flight that she had obviously already booked at least a few days before the flight was meant to take place. Maybe she's just stupid.

Russell Crowe "cries over script" - script reportedly wet and pissed off

Russell Crowe's claims that he "cried" over the latest Baz Lurhmann script have been met with fury from the ScreenPlay Activist Group (SPAG).

SPAG spokesperson P.R. Diddleysquat says that spilling tears on a screenplay should be met with 'outrage' and called for Russell to offer a public apology.

"These poor screenplays, as if it's not enough that they never even get credit for their part in the filmmaking process, twats like Russell Crowe come and spill plops of salty fluid on them, streaking their words into fudged bits of smudgy-smoo without so much as an 'excuse me,'" said Diddleysquat.

"Mr Crowe's telephone-throwing antics were one thing, but this....this defies description. I think it marks a significant turning point for him - the hero's journey may be coming to a close for him, and I for one, cannot wait for the climax."

Mr Crowe defended his actions, saying that he did offer a tissue to the screenplay, but took the screenplay's lack of response as an indication that it was okay.

"I think it should just shut the hell up and be a man. Grunt," he said.

"Peanuts" fans riot over omission of cartoon images

NEW YORK TIMES - Fans of the comic strip "Peanuts" took to the streets around the world today in retaliation for the non-publication of images of their idol and prophet Charlie Brown.

"We're mad as hell and we're not gonna take it anymore," screamed one barely lucid fan of the long-running comic strip, "newspapers are printing cartoon versions of Mohammad but what the hell has happened to 'Peanuts'?"

The riots were triggered when the Danish newspapaer Jyllands-Posten decided to stop printing the comic strip in it's "Weekend Funnies" section after fifty years of inclusion in the paper.

"It's making a mockery of Charles Schwartz and his philosophy. Okay, so he may be dead and he isn't creating any new comic strips, but that hasn't stopped papers reprinting bits out of the Bible or the Koran and the guys that wrote those moralising books of crap died thousands of years ago."

Iran President bans all Western music - rest of the world supports ban on "You've Had A Bad Day"

TEHRAN, Iran - Hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has banned all Western music from Iran's state radio and TV stations. Not because it is offensive to Muslims, but just because "A lot of it's crap."

World leaders were quick to condemn the action and nearly as quick to pass similar laws through their own respective parliaments. There are significant differences though in the approaches followed.

In the U.S, President George Bush has signed a bill pushed through by his republican colleagues to outlaw any music he doesn't currently have on his iPod, leaving the entire Sesame Street back catalogue and one song by Garth Brookes, "Oh, Barbara" unscathed.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has banned all music in which his guitar playing does not feature. Facing the prospect of having to endlessly repeat the eleven tracks from the debut album put out by his old band "Ugly Rumours", Radio1, Radio2 and Capital FM have shut down with immediate effect. Virgin will remain open according to Richard Branson:

"Eleven tracks? That's five more tracks than we normally play every day.", said the Virgin Boss pictured above, "I think it may be time to expand the Virgin radio operations. Now watch me fly, 'vrrrmmmmm'."

French President Jacque Chirac has instituted a new law stating that 95% of all music on radio stations must be French... although this restriction has been in place for the last twenty years anyway. Representatives from other nations stated they would not retaliate with a similar action against French music because they don't play any of it anyway, except for that "Sexy Boy" song by Air and that song by Plastic Bertrand, and he's Belgian, and at least they make good chocolate and beer. Something that can not be said for the French.

Paris turns over a new leaf

Paris Hilton has jumped on the New Years Resolutions bandwagon, printing a t-shirt to celebrate the fact.

According to said boob-tube, Ms. Hilton's resolutions include (but are not limited to):

- to quit smoking;
- to give more to charity; and
- to stop being a plastic, glam-trash uber-slut

"Kerry Packer Dies" headline wrap up

"Thank fuck, he's dead. Everyone knows that I'm the brains of the business" - James Packer

"Pilot Nick Ross asks Kerry Packer estate for his kidney back."

"Rupert Murdoch dies of relief after hearing news."

"Jessica Rowe regrets decision to break contract with Ten to move to Nine two days before Packer death."

"Ten and seven win bid for AFL television rights over Channel 9."

"Cricketers stand in silence on Boxing Day to mourn Kerry Packer instead of the thousands of less important people that died a year ago in the tsunami."

"Murdoch finally feels safe handing reigns to underachieving sons."

"Crown Casino business drops 90% overnight."

"Australians rejoice over news that all media will soon be controlled by a monopoly based in the US instead of a duopoly."

"Now we can finally write that film about the rebel cricket tour and not get sued."

"Everybody in Australia Rich List happy in knowledge they will move up one place."

"First death of an Australian to make news in America since Pharlap."

"John Howard announces resignation after realising there will be a massive hole in the Liberal campaign budget. Costello pissed."

"No Slacker Packer Whacks a Clacker" (The Sun - London)

Tori Amos's Piano speaks out about public dispute over authorship, solo career

REUTERS - The RITZ, London

Tori Amos's Piano speaks out about public dispute over authorship, solo career.

It has been a longstanding rumour among music industry pundits that eccentric musician and US expatriate Tori Amos is merely the decoration on a cake known as the the one man girl-band. Until now, she has accredited her black Bosendorf piano, who has adopted the new name Shirley Brown, as a voice and unofficial co-scribe in her succesful career, but as REUTERS has found, the thruth is much uglier.

Ms Brown has granted REUTERS journalist Duncan Pedersen a sneak-peek into the real life of the musical duo prior to the press conference she has organised for Jan. 1st,2006.

"My life with Tori was creative torture, she would never compromise on melodies or lyrics i came up with", the veteran piano star laments. "Little earhquakes was really about her slamming the lid of the keyboard too abruptly -- but this i have almost completely worked through with my analyst. Most crucially, I think we, Tori and I, just really need to have some time apart to mature as solo artists. "

Ms Amos was unavailable for comment on the topic, however her PR people have referred to the incidents referred to as circumstantial referred,second-or-third-hand evidence - therefore hardly evidence at all. They imply competitors and, surprisingly, the entire Netherlands as trying to sabotage the 'one-girl, one-piano concept'. When asked to name names they refused, though they flashed two well-prepared photographs of Norah Jones and Kate Bush, nodded, and silently mouthed the word "genetics".

"I have treasured the years with Tee, as i call her, as among the best of my life. When we toured the world for the first time, I felt like i belonged to a stable relationship for the first time in my life. She took me in, rescued me from the wild streets of Newton,North Carolina but as i soon found out, the honeymoon wouldn't last. "

We were then interupted by Ms Brown's assistant, who instructed the piano-star on matters not to be disclosed to the public due to legalities. She elucidates:

"We are filing charges, so there are things I cannot yet disclose. My supporters (consults assistant), who prefer not to be named...have convinced me about my past with 'the wanton witch'. I - wrote all the songs we worked on together, and Tori ruthlessly stole them from me. It was my voice to share with the world.". She continues: "I was in a fragile place when we met...I once felt like a cello trapped in a fortepiano body, and ...though this is something i have never admitted to the public, i now understand how i was exploited. I want to come out from under the pianocovers. Additionally, I'm seeking compensation to the nominal sum of $2bn for damages."

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