The Australian runs an article favouring Labor over Liberal

Oh, hang on. No. My mistake. I was reading my monthly issue of "Union Supporter Weekly" that I get delivered to my door. Excellent value for only $7.95 per issue. Or have it taken out of your union membership fees.

Jackson eyes $400m comeback plan... packaged around 12 year old boy

BBC - Michael Jackson could earn more than $400m (£283m) from a comeback deal involving new music and movies as well as concerts, his promoter has revealed.

The pop superstar has announced 10 gigs at the O2 arena in London this summer, approximately two years after the world had collective amnesia over his inability to have appropriate relationships with prepubescent children.

Randy Phillips, head of AEG Live, which is staging the gigs, said they had a wider deal that could cover a world tour and a 3D film based on Thriller.

"When you factor in the number of people worldwide who give a rats arse about 3D films and "Thriller" you're looking at at least £12."

He also said: "We're talking to him about helping him figure a new plan for the release of singles, new music. We're talking to new producers to shape the music and we're looking for a new 9 year old muse Michael likes the shape of."

Obama still waiting until January when he takes office and changes he world

Obama waits until January when he can actually do something

Obama picks McCain to lead his Ministry of Youth

NEW YORK TIMES - Senator Obama last night dropped a bombshell by announcing former presidential candidate and opponent Senator John McCain would spearhead his Ministry of Youth.

The move was seen by many as a gesture to the man he has spent the last five months of his life sparing. 

"You've also got to think of this as a symbolic gesture towards creating a bipartisan group of advisers," said one Obama aide. "The fact that Senator McCain is being put into a position where he has no experience in the last 57 years of his life is not a reason to think he has been set up to fail."

Senator McCain has signalled he will accept the post and has already given an indication of possible policy directions by once again recounting his time as a prisoner of war in Vietnam.  

Obama takes a dump - Woo hoo

Obama starts picking his team

Obama wins landslide

LOS ANGELES TIMES - After a "long drawn out campaign" of exactly the same length as the last five US Presidential Elections, Senator Barack Obama became the 44th President of the United States.

In a competition in which he required only 270 electoral votes to clinch victory, Obama won a landslide with over 360 Electoral votes secured at time of going to press.

He will now be reported upon endlessly by the breathless media until his first attempt to walk on water fails or we reach the end of the year to find that world poverty has not been eliminated. Or that it has been two months and he still hasn't actually taken office yet and the world has already moved on.

Such high hopes for someone that really, when you think about, only has to string an entire sentence together using words of more than one syllable or make one decision for the greater good to do better than his predecessor George W Bush.

I can't think of anything funny to add but I needed to write something so that I can do a running gag over the next week. I did think about some reference to winning on a landslide that in turned wiped out a small village of republican senators and Mexicans, but I don't think it would have been worth it.

 

Binge drinking rife among AFL players

IT'S ALL LIES - In the final of our triptych of stupid surveys for the post Halloween weekend, The Herald Sun has just revealed that AFL players are binge-drinking at up to six times the rate of other young Australian men.

The anonymous survey of 582 AFL players has uncovered "extremely high" rates of "risky drinking" among the elite of Aussie rules.

"I think this survey sends an important message," said Peter Jackson, head of the AFL Players' Association," that as a whole, Australian men have really dropped the ball when it comes to drinking heavily. After all, that is what this proud country is known for.

"We can't just leave it to our elite sportsman to carry the weight of our binge drinking reputation. I urge all other Australian men to pick up their game and get up to the 86 standard drinks average per fortnight being maintained by AFL's finest and most sloshed."

It's Official! Most US voters believe Barack Obama...

... is slightly more black than Senator McCain.

The surprise revelation came after a full year of studies undertaken by the Democratic think-tank Slight-Left-Of-Centre-But-Not-So-Much-That-American-Voters-Will-Think-We-Are-Communists-Who-Steal-Children-And-Raise-Taxes.

The results on the question "Who is more black - Barack Obama or John McCain?"went 53% to Senator Obama and 47% to Senator McCain, proving conclusively that although there must be some intelligent Americans, when considered as a whole they tend to adopt a herd mentality.

A special mention must be given to the group who decided the question had to be surveyed. Congratulations! 

"Heat" magazine more trusted than "The Times"

GUARDIAN - In a secret study leaked today it has been revealed that more people trust "Heat" as a source of information than "The Times".

The survey, undertaken by YouGov, was originally commissioned by The Times in April 2007 as a major plank of their recent rebranding for the Sunday Times. Unfortunately the study proved the opposite to their assumptions and was quickly shelved. With the leaking of the study, The Times is having to quickly reconsider their positioning and has gone into damage control.

Among a range of questions, over 4,604 respondents were asked what publication they most read as a source of information relevant to them. They were then asked whether they trusted the information. 96% of Heat readers trusted the information in the publication compared to 56% in The Times.

The study also revealed that Heat readers felt there wasn't quite enough information about Amy Winehouse and Kerry Katona (47%) compared to readers of The Times feeling there were too much information on the unrelated celebrity couple.

Which just goes to show that if you want to read more celebrity gossip that you can't trust, you should read The Times.   

Baz Luhrmann's first interview on completed "Australia"

SYDNEY - THE most expensive Australian film ever made is due out in weeks - and as of today it's finally finished.

The longest shoot in 20th Century Fox’s formidable history of movie-making. The most expensive Australian film ever made. Featuring some of the highest paid Australian actors ever - Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman.

With an estimated budget of $130 million and rising, if Australia runs close to the 170 minutes that has been reported in the media, Luhrmann’s production company Bazmark will have spent roughly three-quarters of a million dollars of other people’s money for every minute of screen time.

So, how does Baz feel that he has actually finished and has the film in the can? Waylon Smithers of It's All Lies had an exclusive phone interview with Baz Luhrmann earlier today.

IAL : Hello Baz. Thanks for taking the time to talk to us.

BAZ: Always a pleasure.

IAL : Have we spoken before?

BAZ : It's an expression.

IAL : Oh. Now there have been rumours that the production of Australia had gotten out of contorl and was never going to be finished. How do you feel to finally have it in the can?

BAZ : Umm, what?

IAL : How does it feel to have the film finished and ready to be shown in the cinemas?

BAZ : Who told you that?

IAL : You did?

BAZ : I did?

IAL : Yes, you did.

BAZ : I did?

IAL : Yes.

BAZ : Really?

IAL : Yes.

BAZ : When did I say that?

IAL : When we arranged the interview last night at that NIDA function launching Alex Broun's web site. I was the guy standing next to Peter Garrett.

BAZ : Was that before or after I told you that the Heath Ledger scenes in the film were incredible.

IAL : About the same time, I recall.

BAZ : Oh.

IAL : What's that?

BAZ : You do realise that Heath Ledger was never in the film.

IAL : No.

BAZ : So maybe I was not quite telling the truth about the film

IAL blank stare down the phone

BAZ : Telling a porkie pie. Pulling your pud'. Etal etal.

IAL : So Australia isn't finished?

BAZ : No.

IAL : Why?

BAZ : I'm too busy giving exclusive interviews about the fact it isn't finished to prats like you and Christine Jackman at The Australian to spend time on the film.

IAL : The Australian?

BAZ : Yes.

IAL : Was that the Saturday edition?

BAZ : Yes. They had a story about Howard making three of the biggest decisions of his term as Prime Minister without any cabinet involvement.

IAL : And the Ruth Ostrow article about finding strength in your flaws?

BAZ : Yes.

IAL : There was a lot of truth in what she said.

BAZ : I meant to read it, but I haven't had time.

IAL : What's been keeping you busy?

Line goes dead

IAL : Baz?

End

Bet Obama wishes he picked Hillary now

Makes you wonder what kind of difference it would have made if Barack Obama had chosen Hillary?

After all the agonising they end up picking some bland old guy as the VP nominee. Of course, they couldn't pick Hillary because... well... what was the reason again?

Instead he picks an old guy called Biden so that the democrat card goes from a man who surname sounds a bit like a terrorist to a team that sounds just a bit more like him. Did anyone in the Democrats crack campaign marketing team sit down and put the names of their two candidates together and realise they had to promote the "Obama Biden" team. Why not just say "Vote Terrorists" 

So suddenly, there's the oportunity for the Republicans to pick someone that 50% of the population outside of New York and Los Angeles will vote for. And they do it. Who's the main candidate again? Something about frozen chips. Oh yes, that's it McCain. He'll make a good running mate to Sarah Palin if he lives until November.

If the U.S was still relevant to the rest of the world I'd be a bit more concerned.

Celebratory Ten Thousand hits special entry

ITS ALL LIES LAND - Champagne corks popped all over the It's All Lies offices yesterday as the site achieved ten thousand hits without a single new entry between the 11th of February 2008 and today, Monday the 22nd of September.

And what were the three main entries responsible for over 50% of the hits? I won't tell you exactly, but I will say that they all involve Heath Ledger and the Scientology plot behind his death.

Ah, people read the strangest things. And when they're not doing that, they're reading "It's All Lies".

Airforce One first aircraft denied access to U.S air space

GUARDIAN - The US administration has forced 27 governments of the European Union to sign up for a range of new security measures for transatlantic travel, including allowing armed guards on all flights from Europe to America by US airlines.

It also enforces a range of measures allowing U.S Air Control to deny access to any suspicious aircraft.

Unfortunately, the first flight to be declined entry was Airforce One, as the President and his entourage were in Cuba we ferrying cocaine and hookers back to the U.S. at the time.

"Yes, you could say it is a little embarassing to have the President's private jumbo turned around due laws introduced by Bush. You could even say it was ironic, I suppose, but hell, everyone's too busy watching Hillary and Barack fight it out to give two hoots about the current President."

Roy Schneider dies - surprisingly, it wasn't a shark

DEFAMER - As the world mourned the loss of actor Roy Schneider, Hollywood honoured his loss in the only way it knows how - swapping out the CSI franchise for episodes of Hill Street Blues and running Jaws marathons.

"Think of it as our way of honouring him," said one Fox representative, "just don't think of it as cashing in. If we were going to cash in on it, we would have kept his death secret long enough for us to finish getting through all the Heath Ledger stuff. Batman hasn't even been released yet so we can't afford for people to forget Heath, even if Roy died of a shark bite."

Reports suggest that Mr Scheider, 75, died of cancer, not of a shark attack.

"I think you have to check your sources," said a rep for Stephen Speilberg's company Dreamworks, "because cancer is a kind of shark that bites away at you with it's teeth, and, well okay, that's all I've got. Want a Jaws III doll?"

Clinton unleashes Orb of Destruction on Obama

NEW YORK TIMES - Following today's inconclusive "Super Tuesday", Senator Clinton unleashed an "Orb of Destruction" on rival democrat, Senator Obama.

The orb (pictured), was released from the index finger of Senator Clinton's right hand. The index finger on her left hand (not pictured) remained planted firmly up her husband's butt, just in case he decided to say something stupid again before polling closed.

Although smiling as she unleashed the orb, sources deny she also said, "and your little dog too", a reference to a character from "The Wizard of Oz".

Heath Ledger anagrams give clues to death

Spooky anagrams for the name "Heath Ledger". Particularly number 8.

1. Death Hedger


2. Hedge Dearth


3. Deed Hat Hedge


4. Held the Gear


5. Hedged Reath


6. He let her da


7. He Held Great


8. The Olsen Twins Did It


9. Rate He Leed

Oscar winners leaked - Heath Ledger to receive award

LOS ANGELES TIMES - In a year where the the movie industry has been rocked by the Writers Guild Strike, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences now has its one surprise - the Oscar winners - listed on an internet web site.

The winners contain some surprises, with the recent death of Heath Ledger playing some part in the voting by the Academy's members.

The winners are highlighted in the list below.

Best motion picture of the year:

“Atonement” (Focus Features) – a Working Title Production
Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner and Paul Webster, Producers
“Juno” (Fox Searchlight) - a Dancing Elk Pictures, LLC Production
Lianne Halfon, Mason Novick and Russell Smith, Producers
“Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.) - a Clayton Productions, LLC Production
Sydney Pollack, Jennifer Fox and Kerry Orent, Producers
“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) - a Scott Rudin/Mike Zoss Production
Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) - a JoAnne Sellar/Ghoulardi Film Company Production
JoAnne Sellar, Paul Thomas Anderson and Daniel Lupi, Producers
Winner : Heath Ledger

Achievement in directing:
Julian Schnabel - “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
Jason Reitman - “Juno”
Tony Gilroy - “Michael Clayton”
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen - “No Country for Old Men”
Paul Thomas Anderson - “There Will Be Blood”
Winner - Heath Ledger

Actor in a leading role:
George Clooney in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros)
Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)
Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”(DreamWorks and Warner Bros)
Tommy Lee Jones in “In the Valley of Elah” (Warner Independent)
Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises” (Focus Features)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Actress in a leading role:
Cate Blanchett in “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” (Universal)
Julie Christie in “Away from Her” (Lionsgate)
Marion Cotillard in “La Vie en Rose” (Picturehouse)
Laura Linney in “The Savages” (Fox Searchlight)
Ellen Page in “Juno” (Fox Searchlight)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Actor in a supporting role:
Casey Affleck in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” (Warner Bros.)
Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)
Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War” (Universal)
Hal Holbrook in “Into the Wild” (Paramount Vantage and River Road Entertainment)
Tom Wilkinson in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Actress in a supporting role:
Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There” (The Weinstein Company)
Ruby Dee in “American Gangster” (Universal)
Saoirse Ronan in “Atonement” (Focus Features)
Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone” (Miramax)
Tilda Swinton in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best animated feature film:
“Persepolis” (Sony Pictures Classics) - Marjane Satrapi and Vincent Paronnaud
“Ratatouille” (Walt Disney) - Brad Bird
“Surf’s Up” (Sony Pictures Releasing) - Ash Brannon and Chris Buck
Winner : Heath Ledger

Achievement in cinematography:
“The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” - Roger Deakins
“Atonement” - Jacqueline Durran
“Elizabeth: The Golden Age” - Alexandra Byrne
“La Vie en Rose” - Marit Allen
“Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” - Colleen Atwood
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best Original Screenplay:
“Juno” - Diablo Cody
“Lars and the Real Girl” - Nancy Oliver
“Michael Clayton” - Tony Gilroy
“Ratatouille” - Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird
“The Savages” - Tamara Jenkins
Winner : Heath Ledger

Achievement in art direction:
“American Gangster” (Universal) - Art Direction: Arthur Max; Set Decoration: Beth A. Rubino
“Atonement” (Focus Features) - Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
“The Golden Compass” (New Line & Ingenious Film Partners) - Art Direction: Dennis Gassner; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock
“Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” (DreamWorks and Warner Bros) - Art Direction: Dante Ferretti; Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo
“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) - Art Direction: Jack Fisk; Set Decoration: Jim Erickson
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best Documentary Feature:
“No End in Sight” (Magnolia Pictures)
“Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience” (The Documentary Group)
“Sicko” (Lionsgate and The Weinstein Company)
“Taxi to the Dark Side” (Think Film)
“War/Dance” (Think Film)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best foreign language film:
“Beaufort” a Metro Communications, Movie Plus Production - Israel
“The Counterfeiters” An Aichholzer Filmproduktion, Magnolia Filmproduktion Production - Austria
“Katy?” An Akson Studio Production - Poland
“Mongol” A Eurasia Film Production - Kazakhstan
“12” A Three T Production - Russia
Winner : Heath Ledger

Harbajan Singh innocent - India still thrashed by Australia so who cares?

SYDNEY MORNING HERALD - World cricket authorities have caved in to the game's financial superpower, India, and Cricket Australia has incurred the wrath of its own Test players by pressuring them to drop a racial slur charge against Harbhajan Singh.


The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) had even chartered a plane to take its players home tomorrow if the Indian player's three-Test suspension - for calling Australia's Andrew Symonds a monkey during the Sydney Test - had not been overturned at yesterday's appeal in the Federal Court in Adelaide.

"What people have to realise is how ludicrous this all is," said a Cricket Australia spokesperson," you've got the black Australia player that hardly anyone realised was black being called a racist term for a black man by an Indian, who, let's face it, is probably blacker than our guy anyway. Surely you can see why that's funny. C'mon, you've gotta' admit it."

A plane is also being kept available for the Indian team if they decide to throw their toys in the air if any of their batsmen are legitimately given out or their bowlers deliver a bowl that does not take a wicket.

"You could say we are taking it a bit too far," said a BCCI spokesperson, "but I feel we have that right. We have more money than any other cricket playing team (which isn't that hard when you look at the competition) and well, if we don't want to play because you won't do what we say, then we won't play. Oh, and how dare that person from Cricket Australia say that Indians are black. Indians are far superior than blacks and we take that as a racist comment."