It's All Lies News

The Australian runs an article favouring Labor over Liberal

2010-05-26T21:36:00.002+10:00

Oh, hang on. No. My mistake. I was reading my monthly issue of "Union Supporter Weekly" that I get delivered to my door. Excellent value for only $7.95 per issue. Or have it taken out of your union membership fees.

Jackson eyes $400m comeback plan... packaged around 12 year old boy

2009-03-07T08:03:00.004+10:00

BBC - Michael Jackson could earn more than $400m (£283m) from a comeback deal involving new music and movies as well as concerts, his promoter has revealed.

The pop superstar has announced 10 gigs at the O2 arena in London this summer, approximately two years after the world had collective amnesia over his inability to have appropriate relationships with prepubescent children.

Randy Phillips, head of AEG Live, which is staging the gigs, said they had a wider deal that could cover a world tour and a 3D film based on Thriller.

"When you factor in the number of people worldwide who give a rats arse about 3D films and "Thriller" you're looking at at least £12."

He also said: "We're talking to him about helping him figure a new plan for the release of singles, new music. We're talking to new producers to shape the music and we're looking for a new 9 year old muse Michael likes the shape of."

Obama still waiting until January when he takes office and changes he world

2008-11-09T08:04:00.001+10:00

Obama waits until January when he can actually do something

2008-11-08T07:57:00.003+10:00

Obama picks McCain to lead his Ministry of Youth

2008-11-08T07:35:00.003+10:00

NEW YORK TIMES - Senator Obama last night dropped a bombshell by announcing former presidential candidate and opponent Senator John McCain would spearhead his Ministry of Youth.

The move was seen by many as a gesture to the man he has spent the last five months of his life sparing.

"You've also got to think of this as a symbolic gesture towards creating a bipartisan group of advisers," said one Obama aide. "The fact that Senator McCain is being put into a position where he has no experience in the last 57 years of his life is not a reason to think he has been set up to fail."

Senator McCain has signalled he will accept the post and has already given an indication of possible policy directions by once again recounting his time as a prisoner of war in Vietnam.

Obama takes a dump - Woo hoo

2008-11-07T07:54:00.000+10:00

Obama starts picking his team

2008-11-06T07:56:00.000+10:00

Obama wins landslide

2008-11-05T07:42:00.002+10:00

LOS ANGELES TIMES - After a "long drawn out campaign" of exactly the same length as the last five US Presidential Elections, Senator Barack Obama became the 44th President of the United States.

In a competition in which he required only 270 electoral votes to clinch victory, Obama won a landslide with over 360 Electoral votes secured at time of going to press.

He will now be reported upon endlessly by the breathless media until his first attempt to walk on water fails or we reach the end of the year to find that world poverty has not been eliminated. Or that it has been two months and he still hasn't actually taken office yet and the world has already moved on.

Such high hopes for someone that really, when you think about, only has to string an entire sentence together using words of more than one syllable or make one decision for the greater good to do better than his predecessor George W Bush.

I can't think of anything funny to add but I needed to write something so that I can do a running gag over the next week. I did think about some reference to winning on a landslide that in turned wiped out a small village of republican senators and Mexicans, but I don't think it would have been worth it.

Binge drinking rife among AFL players

2008-11-02T23:17:00.003+10:00

IT'S ALL LIES - In the final of our triptych of stupid surveys for the post Halloween weekend, The Herald Sun has just revealed that AFL players are binge-drinking at up to six times the rate of other young Australian men.

The anonymous survey of 582 AFL players has uncovered "extremely high" rates of "risky drinking" among the elite of Aussie rules.

"I think this survey sends an important message," said Peter Jackson, head of the AFL Players' Association," that as a whole, Australian men have really dropped the ball when it comes to drinking heavily. After all, that is what this proud country is known for.

"We can't just leave it to our elite sportsman to carry the weight of our binge drinking reputation. I urge all other Australian men to pick up their game and get up to the 86 standard drinks average per fortnight being maintained by AFL's finest and most sloshed."

It's Official! Most US voters believe Barack Obama...

2008-11-02T23:07:00.005+10:00

... is slightly more black than Senator McCain.

The surprise revelation came after a full year of studies undertaken by the Democratic think-tank Slight-Left-Of-Centre-But-Not-So-Much-That-American-Voters-Will-Think-We-Are-Communists-Who-Steal-Children-And-Raise-Taxes.

The results on the question "Who is more black - Barack Obama or John McCain?"went 53% to Senator Obama and 47% to Senator McCain, proving conclusively that although there must be some intelligent Americans, when considered as a whole they tend to adopt a herd mentality.

A special mention must be given to the group who decided the question had to be surveyed. Congratulations!

"Heat" magazine more trusted than "The Times"

2008-11-02T07:37:00.005+10:00

GUARDIAN - In a secret study leaked today it has been revealed that more people trust "Heat" as a source of information than "The Times".

The survey, undertaken by YouGov, was originally commissioned by The Times in April 2007 as a major plank of their recent rebranding for the Sunday Times. Unfortunately the study proved the opposite to their assumptions and was quickly shelved. With the leaking of the study, The Times is having to quickly reconsider their positioning and has gone into damage control.

Among a range of questions, over 4,604 respondents were asked what publication they most read as a source of information relevant to them. They were then asked whether they trusted the information. 96% of Heat readers trusted the information in the publication compared to 56% in The Times.

The study also revealed that Heat readers felt there wasn't quite enough information about Amy Winehouse and Kerry Katona (47%) compared to readers of The Times feeling there were too much information on the unrelated celebrity couple.

Which just goes to show that if you want to read more celebrity gossip that you can't trust, you should read The Times.

Baz Luhrmann's first interview on completed "Australia"

2008-11-01T08:22:00.008+10:00

SYDNEY - THE most expensive Australian film ever made is due out in weeks - and as of today it's finally finished.

The longest shoot in 20th Century Fox’s formidable history of movie-making. The most expensive Australian film ever made. Featuring some of the highest paid Australian actors ever - Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman.

With an estimated budget of $130 million and rising, if Australia runs close to the 170 minutes that has been reported in the media, Luhrmann’s production company Bazmark will have spent roughly three-quarters of a million dollars of other people’s money for every minute of screen time.

So, how does Baz feel that he has actually finished and has the film in the can? Waylon Smithers of It's All Lies had an exclusive phone interview with Baz Luhrmann earlier today.

IAL : Hello Baz. Thanks for taking the time to talk to us.

BAZ: Always a pleasure.

IAL : Have we spoken before?

BAZ : It's an expression.

IAL : Oh. Now there have been rumours that the production of Australia had gotten out of contorl and was never going to be finished. How do you feel to finally have it in the can?

BAZ : Umm, what?

IAL : How does it feel to have the film finished and ready to be shown in the cinemas?

BAZ : Who told you that?

IAL : You did?

BAZ : I did?

IAL : Yes, you did.

BAZ : I did?

IAL : Yes.

BAZ : Really?

IAL : Yes.

BAZ : When did I say that?

IAL : When we arranged the interview last night at that NIDA function launching Alex Broun's web site. I was the guy standing next to Peter Garrett.

BAZ : Was that before or after I told you that the Heath Ledger scenes in the film were incredible.

IAL : About the same time, I recall.

BAZ : Oh.

IAL : What's that?

BAZ : You do realise that Heath Ledger was never in the film.

IAL : No.

BAZ : So maybe I was not quite telling the truth about the film

IAL blank stare down the phone

BAZ : Telling a porkie pie. Pulling your pud'. Etal etal.

IAL : So Australia isn't finished?

BAZ : No.

IAL : Why?

BAZ : I'm too busy giving exclusive interviews about the fact it isn't finished to prats like you and Christine Jackman at The Australian to spend time on the film.

IAL : The Australian?

BAZ : Yes.

IAL : Was that the Saturday edition?

BAZ : Yes. They had a story about Howard making three of the biggest decisions of his term as Prime Minister without any cabinet involvement.

IAL : And the Ruth Ostrow article about finding strength in your flaws?

BAZ : Yes.

IAL : There was a lot of truth in what she said.

BAZ : I meant to read it, but I haven't had time.

IAL : What's been keeping you busy?

Line goes dead

IAL : Baz?

End

Bet Obama wishes he picked Hillary now

2008-09-24T06:03:00.006+10:00

Makes you wonder what kind of difference it would have made if Barack Obama had chosen Hillary?

After all the agonising they end up picking some bland old guy as the VP nominee. Of course, they couldn't pick Hillary because... well... what was the reason again?

Instead he picks an old guy called Biden so that the democrat card goes from a man who surname sounds a bit like a terrorist to a team that sounds just a bit more like him. Did anyone in the Democrats crack campaign marketing team sit down and put the names of their two candidates together and realise they had to promote the "Obama Biden" team. Why not just say "Vote Terrorists"

So suddenly, there's the oportunity for the Republicans to pick someone that 50% of the population outside of New York and Los Angeles will vote for. And they do it. Who's the main candidate again? Something about frozen chips. Oh yes, that's it McCain. He'll make a good running mate to Sarah Palin if he lives until November.

If the U.S was still relevant to the rest of the world I'd be a bit more concerned.

Celebratory Ten Thousand hits special entry

2008-09-23T05:57:00.002+10:00

ITS ALL LIES LAND - Champagne corks popped all over the It's All Lies offices yesterday as the site achieved ten thousand hits without a single new entry between the 11th of February 2008 and today, Monday the 22nd of September.

And what were the three main entries responsible for over 50% of the hits? I won't tell you exactly, but I will say that they all involve Heath Ledger and the Scientology plot behind his death.

Ah, people read the strangest things. And when they're not doing that, they're reading "It's All Lies".

Airforce One first aircraft denied access to U.S air space

2008-02-11T21:21:00.000+10:00

GUARDIAN - The US administration has forced 27 governments of the European Union to sign up for a range of new security measures for transatlantic travel, including allowing armed guards on all flights from Europe to America by US airlines.

It also enforces a range of measures allowing U.S Air Control to deny access to any suspicious aircraft.

Unfortunately, the first flight to be declined entry was Airforce One, as the President and his entourage were in Cuba we ferrying cocaine and hookers back to the U.S. at the time.

"Yes, you could say it is a little embarassing to have the President's private jumbo turned around due laws introduced by Bush. You could even say it was ironic, I suppose, but hell, everyone's too busy watching Hillary and Barack fight it out to give two hoots about the current President."

Roy Schneider dies - surprisingly, it wasn't a shark

2008-02-11T21:09:00.000+10:00

DEFAMER - As the world mourned the loss of actor Roy Schneider, Hollywood honoured his loss in the only way it knows how - swapping out the CSI franchise for episodes of Hill Street Blues and running Jaws marathons.

"Think of it as our way of honouring him," said one Fox representative, "just don't think of it as cashing in. If we were going to cash in on it, we would have kept his death secret long enough for us to finish getting through all the Heath Ledger stuff. Batman hasn't even been released yet so we can't afford for people to forget Heath, even if Roy died of a shark bite."

Reports suggest that Mr Scheider, 75, died of cancer, not of a shark attack.

"I think you have to check your sources," said a rep for Stephen Speilberg's company Dreamworks, "because cancer is a kind of shark that bites away at you with it's teeth, and, well okay, that's all I've got. Want a Jaws III doll?"

Clinton unleashes Orb of Destruction on Obama

2008-02-06T20:20:00.000+10:00

NEW YORK TIMES - Following today's inconclusive "Super Tuesday", Senator Clinton unleashed an "Orb of Destruction" on rival democrat, Senator Obama.

The orb (pictured), was released from the index finger of Senator Clinton's right hand. The index finger on her left hand (not pictured) remained planted firmly up her husband's butt, just in case he decided to say something stupid again before polling closed.

Although smiling as she unleashed the orb, sources deny she also said, "and your little dog too", a reference to a character from "The Wizard of Oz".

Heath Ledger anagrams give clues to death

2008-01-31T22:06:00.000+10:00

Spooky anagrams for the name "Heath Ledger". Particularly number 8.

Death Hedger

Hedge Dearth

Deed Hat Hedge

Held the Gear

Hedged Reath

He let her da

He Held Great

The Olsen Twins Did It

Rate He Leed

Oscar winners leaked - Heath Ledger to receive award

2008-01-30T09:24:00.000+10:00

LOS ANGELES TIMES - In a year where the the movie industry has been rocked by the Writers Guild Strike, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences now has its one surprise - the Oscar winners - listed on an internet web site.

The winners contain some surprises, with the recent death of Heath Ledger playing some part in the voting by the Academy's members.

The winners are highlighted in the list below.

Best motion picture of the year:

“Atonement” (Focus Features) – a Working Title Production
Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner and Paul Webster, Producers
“Juno” (Fox Searchlight) - a Dancing Elk Pictures, LLC Production
Lianne Halfon, Mason Novick and Russell Smith, Producers
“Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.) - a Clayton Productions, LLC Production
Sydney Pollack, Jennifer Fox and Kerry Orent, Producers
“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) - a Scott Rudin/Mike Zoss Production
Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) - a JoAnne Sellar/Ghoulardi Film Company Production
JoAnne Sellar, Paul Thomas Anderson and Daniel Lupi, Producers
Winner : Heath Ledger

Achievement in directing:
Julian Schnabel - “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
Jason Reitman - “Juno”
Tony Gilroy - “Michael Clayton”
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen - “No Country for Old Men”
Paul Thomas Anderson - “There Will Be Blood”
Winner - Heath Ledger

Actor in a leading role:
George Clooney in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros)
Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)
Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”(DreamWorks and Warner Bros)
Tommy Lee Jones in “In the Valley of Elah” (Warner Independent)
Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises” (Focus Features)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Actress in a leading role:
Cate Blanchett in “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” (Universal)
Julie Christie in “Away from Her” (Lionsgate)
Marion Cotillard in “La Vie en Rose” (Picturehouse)
Laura Linney in “The Savages” (Fox Searchlight)
Ellen Page in “Juno” (Fox Searchlight)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Actor in a supporting role:
Casey Affleck in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” (Warner Bros.)
Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)
Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War” (Universal)
Hal Holbrook in “Into the Wild” (Paramount Vantage and River Road Entertainment)
Tom Wilkinson in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Actress in a supporting role:
Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There” (The Weinstein Company)
Ruby Dee in “American Gangster” (Universal)
Saoirse Ronan in “Atonement” (Focus Features)
Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone” (Miramax)
Tilda Swinton in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best animated feature film:
“Persepolis” (Sony Pictures Classics) - Marjane Satrapi and Vincent Paronnaud
“Ratatouille” (Walt Disney) - Brad Bird
“Surf’s Up” (Sony Pictures Releasing) - Ash Brannon and Chris Buck
Winner : Heath Ledger

Achievement in cinematography:
“The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” - Roger Deakins
“Atonement” - Jacqueline Durran
“Elizabeth: The Golden Age” - Alexandra Byrne
“La Vie en Rose” - Marit Allen
“Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” - Colleen Atwood
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best Original Screenplay:
“Juno” - Diablo Cody
“Lars and the Real Girl” - Nancy Oliver
“Michael Clayton” - Tony Gilroy
“Ratatouille” - Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird
“The Savages” - Tamara Jenkins
Winner : Heath Ledger

Achievement in art direction:
“American Gangster” (Universal) - Art Direction: Arthur Max; Set Decoration: Beth A. Rubino
“Atonement” (Focus Features) - Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
“The Golden Compass” (New Line & Ingenious Film Partners) - Art Direction: Dennis Gassner; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock
“Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” (DreamWorks and Warner Bros) - Art Direction: Dante Ferretti; Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo
“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) - Art Direction: Jack Fisk; Set Decoration: Jim Erickson
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best Documentary Feature:
“No End in Sight” (Magnolia Pictures)
“Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience” (The Documentary Group)
“Sicko” (Lionsgate and The Weinstein Company)
“Taxi to the Dark Side” (Think Film)
“War/Dance” (Think Film)
Winner : Heath Ledger

Best foreign language film:
“Beaufort” a Metro Communications, Movie Plus Production - Israel
“The Counterfeiters” An Aichholzer Filmproduktion, Magnolia Filmproduktion Production - Austria
“Katy?” An Akson Studio Production - Poland
“Mongol” A Eurasia Film Production - Kazakhstan
“12” A Three T Production - Russia
Winner : Heath Ledger

Harbajan Singh innocent - India still thrashed by Australia so who cares?

2008-01-29T22:35:00.000+10:00

SYDNEY MORNING HERALD - World cricket authorities have caved in to the game's financial superpower, India, and Cricket Australia has incurred the wrath of its own Test players by pressuring them to drop a racial slur charge against Harbhajan Singh.

The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) had even chartered a plane to take its players home tomorrow if the Indian player's three-Test suspension - for calling Australia's Andrew Symonds a monkey during the Sydney Test - had not been overturned at yesterday's appeal in the Federal Court in Adelaide.

"What people have to realise is how ludicrous this all is," said a Cricket Australia spokesperson," you've got the black Australia player that hardly anyone realised was black being called a racist term for a black man by an Indian, who, let's face it, is probably blacker than our guy anyway. Surely you can see why that's funny. C'mon, you've gotta' admit it."

A plane is also being kept available for the Indian team if they decide to throw their toys in the air if any of their batsmen are legitimately given out or their bowlers deliver a bowl that does not take a wicket.

"You could say we are taking it a bit too far," said a BCCI spokesperson, "but I feel we have that right. We have more money than any other cricket playing team (which isn't that hard when you look at the competition) and well, if we don't want to play because you won't do what we say, then we won't play. Oh, and how dare that person from Cricket Australia say that Indians are black. Indians are far superior than blacks and we take that as a racist comment."

President Bush backs Obama, Obama campaign now "doomed"

2008-01-29T21:15:00.000+10:00

AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE - President George Bush, rejecting entreaties from the Obama camp, is set to endorse Senator Barack Obama’s presidential bid on Monday as part of an effort to lend Bush credibility and charisma before the 22-state Feb. 5 showdown for the Democratic nomination.

The endorsement follows a similar endorsement by the Kennedy clan for Barack Obama's nomination.

"We'd been fearing this would happen," said one Obama campaign strategist. "All the republicans have refused to accept any support from Bush, so it was only a matter of time before he swung his support behind our campaign."

The endorsement, which followed a public appeal on Mr. Obama’s behalf by Caroline Kennedy, the daughter of President John F. Kennedy, was a blow to the Obama campaign.

Mr Bush intends to campaign aggressively for Mr. Obama, beginning with an appearance and rally with him in Washington on Monday.

"I think these times are important, "said President Bush, "and in important times it is important to know where you stand and when I'm standing somewhere I know that it's important to back Barack Obama where he stands. And that's important."

The endorsement ios a big boost to the Clinton campaigns, as well as Republican candidates who have refused to accept any calls from Washington since the primary race began.

"It was a mistake on our part," said the Obama spokesperson, "we thought we were getting a call to say, 'Come on in - you might as well have the presidency now' but he double bluffed us. Though I'm not sure if he realised what he was doing or who he was talking to. The point is he's committed to it now and Obama's too pilote to tell Bush to f%^k off, so here we are."

We'll say 'sorry' to aborigines really soon, honest!

2008-01-28T21:35:00.000+10:00

Australian Aboriginal Affairs Minister Jenny Macklin today announced, yet again, that they would be apologising to the country's Aborigines for past injustices "sometime really soon, honest, we mean it this time."

The apology would fulfil a pledge made by the prime minister, Kevin Rudd, after his Labor party won the November elections.

During and subsequent to the landslide election win, the Labor government has kept stating they will "make the apology straight away and get it out of the way and we feel the best way to do it is to constantly come out saying we will be apologising 'soon' and then move the date back. We hope everyone will have forgotten by the time we get around to not actually apologising or apologising in such a way that it isn't actually an apology in the first place."

Commentators put the delay down to a large poaching of ex Howard staffers onto the Labor Government.

Heath Ledger death investigation breakthrough

2008-01-28T01:03:00.000+10:00

THE AUSTRALIAN - John Olsen OA, Australian Consul-General in Los Angeles, creator of the G'day USA campaign and father of the Olsen twins, was today accused of going 'one step to far' when it was revealed he was behind the death of Heath Ledger.

The G'day USA campaign was started by John Olsen five years ago to raise the profile of Australia overseas. Although the last four years had been successful with high profile events run over a fortnight in January, there was immense pressure on Mr Olsen to pick up the momentum.

It was this need for momentum that led to the organisation arranging the death of Australian actor Heath Ledger as a focus point for the G'day USA week in Los Angeles.

"We've had a lot of big names involved in the past - Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Hugo Weaving, Baz Luhrmann, Kylie Minogue, " said a G'day USA campaign spokesperson, "but we really needed something that would never be forgotten."

Discussions within the organisation identified the longevity of dead starts Marilyn Monroe, James Dean and Elvis Presley.

"When we saw how well Australia Zoo were doing after Steve Irwin's 'accident', we thought that could be the angle to really push."

It was this need to publicise the organisation that led to the discovery by Federal Bureau of Investigations Famous Person Suicide Investigations Team.

"After the unfortunate death of Heath Ledger", said a FBI spokesperson who preferred to remain suited and wearing glasses, "there was a spike in googling of his name. One of our agents noticed that alongside the google results there were ads for G'day USA that gave us the clue we were looking for to hone in on the activities of that organisation.

"Soon enough, by going undercover as Stephen Spielberg wanting to produce a movie in Australia, we were able to discovered the link between John Olsen and Heath Ledger's death in the New York apartment owned by one of Mr Olsen's twin daughters Mary-Kate and Ashley."

G'Day USA has closed while John Olsen, his twin daughters and company associates are due to appear in New York Criminal Courts at 11.15 EST pleading guilty to a series of yet to be determined charges.

Hugh Grant awarded Order of Australia

2008-01-26T22:51:00.000+10:00

Hugh Grant has been awarded an Order of Australia (OA) by Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd.

Hugh Grant, from Rockhampton, received the honour for his work with the Queensland Law Society and for not being the actor Hugh Grant (pictured).

PS. This report is actually true(ish) - check out this link to the list or OA awardees.

Man slightly bitten by shark

2008-01-25T13:20:00.000+10:00

THE AUSTRALIAN - A tuna fisherman has been slightly bitten on the leg by a shark off the Gold Coast.

It is believed he had been reeling the shark aboard a fishing boat more than 100 nautical miles off Coolangatta today.

"I reeled the bugger in and as I yanked the shark into the boat, one of his fins brushed my leg So it was more of a graze than a bite per se. Look, you can see the scar. No, that's a birthmark. See that one, right, umm, oh hang on it was on the other leg. It bloody hurt. Really, it did."

The man was winched onboard an RACQ CareFlight helicopter about 10.30am (AEST) and was taken to Gold Coast Hospital for treatment.

A spokesman for CareFlight said the tuna boat was from Mooloolaba on the Sunshine Coast. Though what this has to do with the story is anyone's guess.

Church of Scientology denies involvement in Heath Ledger death

2008-01-24T21:57:00.000+10:00

NEW YORK TIMES - Church of Scientology head David Miscavige released a statement earlier today denying any involvement by the Church of Scientology in the death of Australian actor Heath Ledger.

"I think it is important for people to know that the Church of Scientology had nothing to do with the death of Heath Ledger," said Church of Scientology Head Idiot David Miscavige, "and I hope people recognise that means we are not evil."

The statement came in spite of a complete lack of interest in the church or any suspicions that the Church of Scientology were involved in any way in the death of Heath Ledger.

"Just because we have a track record of locking people in hotel rooms and finding them dead, does not mean we were involved in this particular case. Might I also add that when we do it with drug addicts and mental patients that we have 'freed' from institutions we make sure we don't leave any drugs in the room. As Tom Cruise said on that video, 'We are the authorities'."

Mr Miscavige continued, "Not wanting to rub it in for you non believers, but you wouldn't see Tom Cruise kill himself 'accidentally' in a hotel room. No. He's a Scientologist. Heath wasn't. So if you don't want to die of an accidental drug overdose, maybe you should think about becoming a Scientologist."

"Oh, also, before you think this is a crass ploy to keep Scientology in the headlines while distracting people from 'that' video of Tom Cruise, let me just say that I'm not just mentioning the name Heath Ledger to ensure we come up on more google searches. Believe me. I don't want that. Heath Ledger would not have wanted that. Heath Ledger, Heath Ledger, Heath Ledger. No. Heath Ledger would not have wanted his name, Heath Ledger, to be used in such a manner. And we won't do that. Not to Heath Ledger."

The Bulletin axed - world too busy googling "Heath Ledger" to notice

2008-01-24T19:20:00.000+10:00

THE AUSTRALIAN - AUSTRALIA'S oldest news magazine, The Bulletin, has been closed after more than a century of publishing. ACP announced the closure of the magazine, launched in 1880, this morning, saying it had become unsustainable with sales of just 57,000.

In comparison, over 400 million google searches on "Heath Ledger" were submitted in the last 48 hours.

If they'd waited one more day, The Bulletin could have run with heath Ledge on the cover and made enough to keep running for another year. At least

Federal Bank slashes official lending rate to -2%

2008-01-24T16:16:00.000+10:00

NEW YORK TIMES - The U.S Federal Bank has followed the .75% reduction in rates to 3% with another rate reduction of 5%, taking the official rate to -2%.

The massive cut was made after the first minor rate reduction saw a slight bounce on the stock exchange after twelve consecutive days of losses.

"We've already taken a point of here and there," said Federal bank Chairman Ben Bernanke," and it only fixes things for a day before everyone starts panicking again, so when President Bush suggested it would make sense to make the interest rate a negative, we all though, 'to hell with it' and cut the rate by a full five percentage points."

The cut marks the first time that the official cash rate has gone into negative. Investors have been buoyed to push shares back up to levels prior to the fortnight of successive falls.

"We think it's great", said one leading dealer, " I don't really understand why, but if enough people think it's good, it doesn't matter."

Australian banks acknowledged the unprecendented cut by raising their home lending rates by 3.75%.

"We know it doesn't make sense to some people," said an ANZ spokesperson,
"but, well, we don't really care."

Graphic account of teacher accused of weekly sex with girl

2008-01-22T21:43:00.000+10:00

SYDNEY MORNING HERALD - A secondary school teacher had weekly sex with a student in a school darkroom, a Victorian court has been told.

Paul Anthony Segar, 50, of Mount Waverley, appeared in the County Court in Melbourne today charged with two counts of an indecent act with a child under the age of 16, four counts of sexual penetration with a child under 16 and four counts of sexual penetration with a child aged 16 to 17 while under his care and supervision.

The court was told the alleged offences happened at a secondary school in Melbourne's eastern suburbs, between 1992 and 1994, and began when the girl was 14 years old.

Prosecutor Steve Dewberry told the court the victim, who cannot be identified for legal reasons, was first approached by Segar on a school curriculum day in February 1992, when she went to return a compact disc to another teacher.

Segar took the victim into an office where he....

Now, normally the newspaper article would go into enough detail at this point to vaguely skirt the line between repulsion and arousal.

Have you had a think about why you want to read the details about the case? Maybe you should have a bit of a think about your sexual preferences, because when it comes down to it, taking the time to read a graphic account of the sex between a teacher and an underaged girl is only a small step away from going out there and becoming, a, what do they call it again? That's right, a paedophile.

Or is that it? By reading about it you purge yourself of your desires to commit a similar crime.

If you searched out this article, just have a think about it while looking at this picture of Amy Winehouse.

I hope that makes you have a good hard look at yourself.

Obama goes Barack to the drawing board

2008-01-21T15:50:00.000+10:00

LOS ANGELES TIMES - After being defeated by Senator Clinton for a successive time in the Nevada Primary, Senator Obama has had to go "barack to the drawing board" for the rest of his campaign.

Umm, that's it. I just wanted to use the story headline somewhere. Nothing else to report really.

MacBook Air fits in envelope - just don't post it

2008-01-19T10:04:00.000+10:00

WORLD NEWS SERVICE - Just days after being released, buyers of the MacBook Air are reporting issues after posting their new ultra slim laptop in the manilla envelope used in the Apple advertisements.

"I don't understand it," said Joan Berwtiz, from Portland, Seattle "they sell the machine by saying it can fit into a manilla envelope and then when you post it it arrives all banged up and doesn't work. What's the point."

Dell have quickly swooped on the anti MacBook Air sentiment by re-badging their entire line of laptops, calling them the "Dell AirFreight". Each product is the size of a standard shipping crate, thus allowing for reliable transportation.

Tom Cruise denies filming "leaked" Scientology acceptance speech

2008-01-18T20:18:00.000+10:00

NEW YORK TIMES - Tom Cruise last night denied filming the leaked Scientology video recently uploaded to Gawker and YouTube, calling the accusation "simply wild".

"Iknow it looks like me, sounds like me, and if you get really close to the screen, even smells like me, but it wasn't me," said the multimillion dollar actor and producer of the Mission Impossible franchise. "I would never say the things that people accuse me of saying in this video," "at least, not to the general public. They'd think I was a nutter."

The response came after an anonymous source uploaded Cruise's acceptance speech for receiving a Freedom Medal Award at a recent Church of Scientology (CSI) ceremony.

Two other points of interest about the video. The first being the speech was more of a ramble, something many people have put down to the recent Writers Guild strike and the second being that no one has asked why their big figurehead had to pre-record his acceptance speech and have it played on a huge screen at the ceremony.

To paraphrase your speech Tom, "you're either with us or against us" so at least have the courtesy to turn up in person to your freaky non religion awards ceremony. It gives all the underlings that shell out all their cash for "courses" instead of acting classes some hope they will meet someone famous in the cult other than Jenna Elfman.

That is, unless you are unable to actually talk about the cult in a live situation without looking like a dickweed. Mission Impossible perhaps, Tom?

Scientology Christmas display breaks Hollywood attendance records

2008-01-17T12:45:00.000+10:00

LOS ANGELES TIMES -It has taken some time for the stats to come in, but, against all the odds, the Scientology Christmas display on Hollywood Boulevard has exceeded all previous audience estimates for the third year running.

The picture shows the hoards of children dragging their parents towards the display just so they can sit on Santa's knee and embrace the "trusting" message of L Ron Hubbard and his bravely misunderstood tax evaders and space aliens.

Not even Santa bothered to hang around after two children expressed their views on Scientology in the only way they knew how. (See picture below

"You know, we did this in a spirit of Christmas and good will," said one Scientology representative, "We even have a guy selling hotdogs (pictured just off frame to the left). Well, he would be if he had someone to sell them to."

The scientologists are said to be confused why people don't trust them. Says one Scientology representative from the Hollywood Celebrity Centre:

"Just because we took the idea of rebirth from the Buddhists, Christmas from Judaism (and Coca-Cola) and the stuff about aliens from C grade science fiction writers, all of a sudden people don't trust us. Oh, and the whole 'Snow White' thing, the fact we sued the Washington Post for giving away the secret about Xenu and the DC8 space aeroplanes and that the whole 'religion' states psych drugs can't be used when L Ron Hubbard died while doped to his eye balls on Vistaril. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is... I really shoudn't have just told you that and I need to enter a witness protection programme. Right now. Help me."

When questioned, the Archbishop of Canterbury (who just happened to be cruising around Sunset and Gower in his Humvee on a sojourn from England) spoke with a funny accent and pretended he didn't hear before driving away rapidly. We put this down to him being British.

Critical design flaw discovered in MacBook Air

2008-01-16T09:54:00.000+10:00

NEW YORK TIMES - Apple experts around the world were stunned today to already discover a fatal design flaw with the newly announced MacBook Air.

The excitement was palpable as Apple today introduced the world’s thinnest notebook: MacBook Air. It measures an unprecedented 0.16 inches at its thinnest point while its maximum height of 0.76 inches is less than the thinnest point on competing notebooks.

"The specs all look good," said one leading expert who refused to be named, "but every screen permanently shows a reflection of Steve Jobs on it. Look at the photo for Christ's sake! I mean, I like the guy, but there's a limit."

Apple CEO Steve Jobs was not available for comment. We did send an email, but if he's using his new MacBook Air we imagine he is being distracted by his reflection.

Brisbane pedestrian says "Excuse me"

2008-01-16T09:35:00.000+10:00

THE COURIER MAIL - Breaking news just to hand that a pedestrian in Brisbane CBD has said "Excuse me" while trying to get past someone else on the footpath.

The incident, which happened on Edward Street between Margaret and Charlotte Street at 11.13am EST (1.13am GMT or sometime tomorrow in U.S. time) has been confirmed by two different sources.

"I was pretty amazed," said Bruce, 27, "normally if people try to get past other people on Brisbane footpaths they huff and puff quietly behind the unknowing person, only to 'tsk' angrily and glare once they have overtaken the person who was unaware they were in the way in the first place."

A second eyewitness confirmed this version of events.

"That's exactly what happened. Yep. Who ever would have thought that saying 'Excuse me' or alerting the person in some way that you are behind them and want to get around would actually help. you learn something new every day I suppose."

Brisbane Lord Mayor Campbell Newman was quick to release a statement to allay fears of an epidemic.

"I urge all pedestrians in Brisbane to stay silent. In no way does this mean we have to be like that comparable cultural capital London and start saying "Excuse me" all the time. People should be able to sense when you are behind them on the footpath and let them speed past. Look over your shoulder if need be to make sure you are not getting in the way of someone else. Every thirty seconds should do it."

The pedestrian in question was not available for comment. Well, we didn't say "Excuse me" and just assumed they would know we wanted them to make a statement. How inconsiderate of them. Tsk Tsk

Obama and Clinton to settle presidential candidacy with paper-scissors-rock

2008-01-15T05:45:00.000+10:00

Democratic presidential hopefuls Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton and Senator Barack Obama have decided to fight it out with a best of five game of paper-scissors-rock.

The move came about when the two candidates met on the campaign trail after the New Hampshire primary went to Senator Clinton. In the conversation, they agreed that they were the two main candidates and since they were at one win a piece, the rest of the contest would be too close to call.

"I turned to Hillary and I said, 'Hillary, let's give all the money we are using on the campaign for good." said Senator Obama. "Help feed the homeless, inject it into public hospitals or maybe even finally give some money to the people of New Orleans to start rebuilding two years after Hurricane Katrina.' Hillary looked at me and said, 'Hell yeah', which for Hillary is pretty freaking weird on many levels."

That night both camps disbanded their campaign teams and distributed their campaign war chests to a number of unspecified charities.

"We figure the amount of money we spend on campaigns is more than any of these charities receive during the course of the year from the US government."said Senator Clinton. "In this way, we are able to contribute to our country in a way we probably won't be able to do when one of us is elected."

The live broadcast of the best of five paper-scissors-rock will be broadcast live on CBS, straight after Two and a Half Men.

Osama Bin Laden nearly captured thanks to Google Earth

2008-01-14T23:11:00.000+10:00

NEW YORK TIMES - After close to five years of searching since the September 11 2001 bombings, U.S. Intelligence forces nearly capture Osama Bin Laden (pictured - just in case you don't know what he looks like).

The tip off came from Jason Swinburne Jnr of South Carolina who spotted him while doing a search for a location using Google Earth.

"I was trying to locate the part of the map of the globe that has the Maxim cover the size of a football field. Eva Longoria is so hot."

As Jason zoomed in, he found a man with a beard wearing a turban with two hands in the air holding model aeroplanes.

"It looked like he was pretending to fly the aeroplanes into each other. That's when I knew it had to be Osama Bin Laden. That's just how I imagined him."

Jason immediately contacted US authorities who promptly came and told him to shut up and not mention the sighting ever again. Since then, Osama Bin Laden has disappeared.

"I don't understand why I'm being persecuted," said Jason through his legal representatives, "what reason would out government have for not finding Osama Bin Laden. If they had got him when I said so, he would be locked up and Al-Qaeda would no longer be a threat to America. We could rest easy. We could leave Iraq. We could make friends with muslims. I just don't get it."

Symonds tells Singh : I'll get my dad to beat up your dad

2008-01-14T10:00:00.000+10:00

The "monkeygate" crisis escalated today with Australian cricketer Andrew Symonds telling Harbhajan Singh that he would get his dad to beat up Singh's dad.

The shock escalation of the crisis in international cricket occurred when Singh claimed yesterday that he did not use the words "monkey", instead using a Punjabi phrase that means "motherfucker". For Symonds, that was enough.

"I'm pretty relaxed about my background," said Symonds in a press statement earlier today, "but when some Paki thinks calling me a motherfucker is better than a monkey I just have to bring the big guns in. So I called my dad, and he said he'd beet up Harbhajan Singh's dad. Which I think is an entirely fair and grown-up way to deal with this crisis in international cricket."

When asked for a reply, Singh claimed that it doesn't matter what he said on the field anyway, because he had his fingers crossed behind his back and we all know that means it doesn't count.

Man burns chop - fire alarm doesn't go off

2008-01-13T11:28:00.000+10:00

GUARDIAN - Shockwaves have been felt around the globe as a result of a man cooking a chop in his Hither Green flat that did not set off the fire alarm in his unit.

"I was stunned," said Peter Caldwell, 18, from Hither Green, "normally it goes off the second I set foot in the kitchen. But this time no. What's the world coming to?"

Fire alarms have become a part of everyday life in the western world, being installed and maintained by respective fire departments. They have contributed to saving lives otherwise killed by fire and ending lives that would have been saved if people hadn't been on the verge of murder due to the irritation caused by fire alarms that go off when you are trying to prepare a salad (pictured).

Fire alarm groups have been quick to point out that it isn't the fault of the fire alarm and that maybe the makers of the batteries should be blamed... I mean, questioned.

Others blame Big Brother, for no apparent reason other than the fact that the show really pisses them off.

Still others blame Peter Caldwell, because any 18 year old that looks like him has got other issues they should start dealing with.

Indian cricket team forces Umpire Steve Bucknor to be replaced

2008-01-11T13:22:00.000+10:00

THE AGE - After narrowly losing to the Australian cricket team in a game they were never going to win anyway, the Indian team have forced the ICC to replace Jamaican umpire Steve Bucknor.

The suspension of Indian spinner Harbhajan Singh for calling Australian player Andrew Symonds "monkey" forced India to do something.

"We are unhappy about the suspension for racial abuse," said an Indian Cricket spokesperson, "so we figure the best way to demonstrate that we aren't racists is to get that monkey Steve Bucknor replaced with a white South African umpire. "

Everyone can now continue to not follow the cricket with an easy mind.

Back catalogue coming back at ya'

2008-01-11T12:46:00.000+10:00

People have been contacting us about the back catalogue of It's All Lies.

"Where is all the 'gold' from 2005 through to 2006?" To which we reply, "What the fuck are you doing wasting your time reading old articles? You do realise they are topical and are out of date after a week, day or sometimes hours."

Well, you sad sack, keep checking over the next week as the old 'gold' is put up on the site again to complement the new gold being put on the blog on an irregular basis. June and late May 2006 are already up there - earlier articles will be up there shortly.

Rudd to scrap Howard's history

2008-01-10T21:56:00.000+10:00

THE AGE - The Rudd Government is expected to scrap plans to force the states to introduce compulsory Australian history classes from next year.

In particular, they will be scrapping any mention of John Howard from the history books. Kind of similar to how he removed any mention to the stolen generation or land rights.

A spokeswoman for Julia Gillard, Minister For All The Major Stuff That Kevin Doesn't Have Time For Unless There's A Real Cock Up, has told The Age that although history would be a compulsory component of the national curriculum for parts of the secondary school years, the new Government would work collaboratively with states and territories, rather than impose things on them, unless of course they disagreed.

Kind of like how they propose to fix every other problem involving the states.

It's All Lies triumphant return

2008-01-10T12:37:00.000+10:00

It has been nearly two month since the election that sank the Liberal Party on a big Howard shaped anchor and the Rudd Labour government (or should that be the Rudd-Rudd Government) has had all this time to make my life better.

And have they? No.

Has someone removed the detritus of society to make the world a better place? No. Have the problems of climate change, overpopulation and Paris Hilton been solved? No.

All this can only mean one thing. After a year and a half offline, It's All Lies is returning.

Will it be good? Probably not. Will it be topical? Who cares. Will anybody read it? Probably not. But someone will write it, and in the land of the blog that is all that matters

Brad and Angelina watch golden child Shiloh fly for the first time

2006-06-17T09:11:00.000+10:00

4,903 Australians die of "World Cup Fever"

2006-06-14T10:58:00.001+10:00

THE AGE - Concern has broken out across Australia as close to five thousand people have succumbed to the most dangerous strand of "World Cup Fever".

The outbreak occurred in Germany two days ago after a surprising 3-1 win against Japan. Since then, millions have caught the disease and thousands have died.

"It's going around like wildfire," said one Australian partying in inner-city Berlin. "A few people were showing symptons after Australia fought it's way into the World Cup play offs but now it's gone crazy."

There is further concern that "World Cup Fever" may somehow combine in Queensland with "Queensland Somehow winning the Origin Fever" tonight. If so, it is expected that many people will be forced to take Thursday off work and start a course of the high dosage penicillin - Berocca.

With the Australian Prime Minister calling a state of emergency, leading experts are unsure of the next step. According to Minister for Health and Aging, Tony Abbott, there is one hope.

"I think we're going to see a lot more contagion and many more deaths. All we can hope is that Brasil can beat Australia in the next few days. Then I think we will see a drastic reduction in infections, particularly at home where there are many antedotes to the fever more freely available - like the sixth series of Big Brother."

Europe feels superior to the US for a couple of days

2006-06-13T11:11:00.000+10:00

INSIDE SPORT - As the U.S.A lost their game to Czech Republic 0-3, Europe had the opportunity to feel superior for one evening.

"It doesn't happen very often," said Foreign Minister for the Interior, Vladimir Ksychyk, "so today is a day to savour. To paraphrase a song from an American movie with puppets - America! Fuck off!"

Other Western European countries have been quick to jump on the bandwagon, holding their chins up high even though the Czech Republic is still part of what is considered Eastern Europe. An area most Western Europeans have not wanted to claim as their own... until now.

"This is the great thing about the Americans. Since they wouldn't know the difference between Lebanon and the Ukraine, every country has been claiming to be part of the Czech Republic just to piss them off. I even saw some guys from Nigeria claiming to be French which pissed off the Americans nearly as much as it did the French."

The Nigerian team's accommodation was burnt down shortly after the statement was made.
The French have denied involvement, an excuse that has worked pretty well for them in the past.

Rove won't be charged in CIA leak case because he's too guilty

2006-06-13T11:06:00.000+10:00

ASSOCIATED PRESS - Top White House aide Karl Rove has been told by prosecutors he won't be charged with any crimes in the investigation into the leak of a CIA officer's identity, his lawyer said Tuesday, lifting a heavy burden from one of President Bush's most trusted advisers.

For a a while it looked likely that Mr Rove would be spending time in a maximum security prison, however, his lawyer was informed that it wouldn't be Guatanamo Bay because unlike the detainees there, Karl Rove had obviously committed a crime and had evidence that would send him to prison.

Additionally, his trial happened straight away.

"I always knew we were going to have to get him off on a technicality of law, and now that we've succeeded we have proven to the American public that he is innocent," said Rove's Lawyer.

Anyone who is on the truck driving through the hole in that logic can wave anytime.

"In deference to the pending case, we will not make any further public statements about the subject matter of the investigation," Luskin said. "We believe the special counsel's decision should put an end to the baseless speculation about Mr. Rove's conduct."

And it did, because there was only one person who was baselessly speculating - to everyone else it was as obvious as a Bush lie.

Ooh, I nearly feel like voting Democrat now... but not quite.

Denise Richards won't dress like a slut... for Charlie Sheen

2006-06-13T11:02:00.000+10:00

DEFAMER - Denise Richards spoke indirectly to estranged sex-crazed ex-husband Charlie Sheen today telling him:

"I'm not going to dress up like a hooker for you anymore. It's cheap, it's tacky, it's slightly perverted. No longer am I going to shave my pubic hair so I look like a young girl. Yes, I know I did it when I did porn movies but I was too young to have pubic hair at that age anyway and that's not the point."

The message was passed through her lawyer who then spoke to Sheen's publicist Stan Rosenfield who then passed the message on to Charlie. On the other side of the piece of paper it also said something about meeting behind the bike sheds after school but that may have been a message for one of Charlie's dates that was accidentally intercepted.

Denise made the statement at the Pussycat Dolls Lounge last Friday where she had been paid by a number of well-monied businesses to appear in this outfit (pictured).

So glamourous, so sophisticated. So not slutty or like a hooker at all. Not that anyone minds except Charlie Sheen and maybe Denise Richard's parents.

Dannii Minogue does something better than Kylie

2006-06-12T11:13:00.000+10:00

THE SUN - Dannii Minogue, sister of international pop sensation Kylie, called a press conference today to tell the world there is something she can do better than her more talented and gifted sister.

Unfortunately, nobody could be bothered to attend so we can't tell you what it was that Dannii said she could do better.

In lieu of any facts, It's All Lies has drawn up this rather inconclusive list of things that make Dannii better than Kylie.

1. She has a really talented famous sister - Kylie doesn't have that.

2. There are less degrees of separation between her and the cast of Charmed.

3a. She married Julian McMahon.

3b. She divorced Julian McMahon.

4. She has a really talented famous sister - Kylie doesn't have that.

5. Kylie may have kicked cancer but Dannii didn't get cancer in the first place.

6. There are far more nude, topless and FMH style shots of her on the internet. Suprisingly, most of them can be found on her official web site. Try finding one of Kylie.

7. She was selected for Young Talent Time - Kylie wasn't. How this is a good thing I am not entirely sure.

8. She didn't release Locomotion or Especially for You... or quite a number of songs in Kylie's catalogue that are actually quite awful if you sit down and really think about it.

9. She has a really talented famous sister - Kylie doesn't have that.

10. It's All Lies has written a top ten list about how she is better than her sister.

Any further reasons why Dannii is better than Kylie in comments to this post please (or brown envelopes).

Coming next, why William Baldwin is better than Alex Baldwin.

New report says "Breast-Feed or your child may die!"

2006-06-12T11:08:00.000+10:00

NEW YORK TIMES - Warning: Public health officials have determined that not breast-feeding may be hazardous to your baby's health.

Dr. Haynes, of the Health and Human Services Department, said, "Our message is that breast milk is the gold standard, and anything less than that is inferior. In fact, if you do not feed your child breast milk it is very likely they will die. It's as bad as smoking or playing international level Rugby Sevens during pregnancy. Except worse."

A two-year national breast-feeding awareness campaign that culminated this spring ran television announcements showing a pregnant woman clutching her belly as she was thrown off a mechanical bull during ladies' night at a bar — and compared the behavior to failing to breast-feed.
"You wouldn't take risks before your baby's born," the advertisement says. "Why start after?"
Child-rearing experts have long pointed to the benefits of breast-feeding. But critics say the new campaign has taken things too far and will make mothers who cannot breast-feed, or choose not to, feel guilty and inadequate.

"I desperately wanted to breast-feed," said Karen Petrone, an associate professor of history at University of Kentucky in Lexington. When her two babies failed to gain weight and her pediatrician insisted that she supplement her breast milk with formula, Ms. Petrone said, "I felt so guilty."

Dr. Haynes said the Health and Human Services Department are very sympathetic to the problems of women in this situation.

"Obviously it is very hard on women who realise that because of some physical and mental problem in themselves they are not going to be able to breastfeed their child. Knowing they will indirectly kill the only thing that will continue their family line is an issue they must learn to deal with before their kind is bred out through natural selection."

Jessica Simpson accidentally painted by mural artist

2006-06-10T11:19:00.000+10:00

LOS ANGELES TIMES - Jessica Simpson was accidentally painted by a mural artist yesterday.

The incident occurred as she stood up against a wall wondering whether she should start walking with her left or her right foot. This began a thought on which foot was her left or her right so that she'd then be able to work out which one to step with first.

Mural Artist Victor Kline was unrepentant.

"She was standing so still I thought she was part of the wall. It was only when I looked up and was nearly blinded from the reflection of the sun on her teeth that I realised I had painted over Jessica Simpson."

Right Said Fred to open World Cup - no, seriously

2006-06-10T11:16:00.000+10:00

BERLIN TIMES - The Germans have booked Right Said Fred to open the World Cup tonight.

That is not a misprint. The artists behind I'm Too Sexy, Deeply Dippy and thirty other remixes of those two songs will be performing to a packed audience of soccer fans at the newly built Munich stadium at Fröttmaningin.

A further shock is that David Hasslehoff is not appearing in the concert.

Rumour has it that David Hasslehoff was informed of the decision to hire Right Said Fred in his place while he was in the audience of the American Idol finale. Hence the tears (refer to our earlier article from May 29th or Defamer)

Now it all makes sense. Don't shed a tear David. It's not worth it. There won't be that many Germans in the audience anyway because the English have probably bought all the tickets.

New anti-terrorism signs in Australia

2006-06-09T11:21:00.000+10:00

100th post on "It's All Lies" - Tara Reid sends telegram to celebrate

2006-06-08T11:30:00.000+10:00

ITS ALL LIES - As fake as Tara Reid's left nipple and maybe even more fun to watch as it walks unsupported down the street, the It's All Lies blog celebrated it's 100th posting today.

Tara Reid was ecstatic that a blog celebrating everything false in the world had made it to triple figures.

"I'm even more ecstatic that the Editor chose to celebrate the fact by repeating the photo of me on the red carpet with my left nipple swinging in the breeze that inspired the creation of this blog."

Contributors from It's All Lies have been busy celebrating the achievement and were last seen mixing amphetimines with Absynthe while standing on the Santa Monica pier proclaiming "Santa is an anagram of Satan and Monica is an anagram of Am Coin."

Once again, thank Tara, thank you to your nipple and thank you to the plastic surgeon who removed all sensation from your breast thus ensuring you wouldn't notice there was no fabric pushing against it.

To 100 more.

1053rd "Beatle" dies

2006-06-08T11:27:00.000+10:00

GUARDIAN - On the same day that Keyboardist Billy Preston, the so-called "fifth Beatle" died, so to has Jennifer Winmill, the so-called "one thousand and fifty third Beatle".

Winmill had played an integral part in the success of The Beatles by attending their concert in Sidcup, Kent, U.K. (near Rose Bruford College) She can be seen in photos of the audience for the 1964 gig second from the left and about nine deep in the picture. (right)

Obviously she didn't have as much of a part to play as the "Sixth Beatle", George Martin, or the "Seventh Beatle" and original member Stu Sutcliffe, or Eric Clapton, the "Eighth Beatle", stealer of George Harrison's girlfriend and guitarist responsible for the guitar solo on the track My Guitar Gently Weeps.

Beatles number nine through to fifty seven can be accounted for by various production engineers working at the Abbey Road studio and a long lost aunt of Ringo's who provided the inspiration for the film A Hard Day's Night.

Ironically, Ringo Starr himself has always been considered as somewhere between the six hundred and forteenth and seven hundred and eighty ninth "Beatle".

If you are wondering if the number one Beatle is Paul or John, you'd be wrong. It is actually Yoko Ono. Without her, The Beatles wouldn't have broken up and after the shooting (that would have happened anyway) the band would have ended up resorting to a Rock Star style TV show to find a replacement for John. And somehow I don't think they'd still be as popular if that was the case.

So we can all thank her for something.

English give Australian cricket fans taste of their own medicine

2006-06-08T11:24:00.000+10:00

THE AGE - English cricket fans have given Australians a taste of their own medicine by buying the lion's share (pun intended) of tickets for the upcoming Ashes to be played on Australian soil this summer.

Brits holidaying in Australia have flaunted the system to allow them to buy tickets that should only be available to Australian Cricket Family members. In one extreme case, and English university student bought 28 Ashes tickets and then posted them on eBay at hugely inflated prices.

"There's no question I'm an England fan," he said. "And I'm sick to death of all the tickets for the games in England being bought out by drunken Australian expats who swarm to the games from their Earl's Court dives. Now it's payback time, you whinging Aussies."

Hundreds of Cricket Australia Family members contacted the Age to vent their fury about English fans buying up their tickets. The process was farcical and a joke, they said. So are games between Australia and Bangaldesh, though the relevance is unclear.

"I'm sure there will be plenty of Australians around at the cricket anyway," said one English cricket fan. "It will just have to be somewhere else. Maybe a local field where you can play a game instead of using it as a pissweak excuse to get drunk and spend time with your family."

Paul Morgan is devastated he will not be taking his three sons, Ryan, Scott and Cameron (pictured right with long hair), to the Sydney Test. "With three fanatical boys who have attended every Sydney Test for the past eight years I would personally like to thank James Sutherland for screwing the Australian cricket family over," Mr Morgan said.

"But I've promised the boys some tickets to The Boy from Oz so I know their hearts won't be entirely broken. I don't know what I'd do if we missed out on those as well... What? It's sold out as well? F$#k! Hand me a pistol."

John Howard expressed disgust over the situation until he was reminded that his tickets were already sorted - bought from Tony Blair through eBAY with the surplus from Costello's latest budget.

Brangelina: "Please take our baby!"

2006-06-08T11:23:00.000+10:00

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have sent out an urgent black-market plea to sell their newborn baby.

"The thing is," said Angelina, "I really set out from the start to create a rainbow family, you know, a family with kids from all around the world."

"But as the song quite clearly states, a rainbow comprises 'red and yellow and pink and green, orange and purple and blue.' There is absolutely no mention of white and as a woman of my word, I'm afraid the kid has gotta go."

Bidding for the child is expected to fetch into the millions. However in their grand tradition, the Jolie-Pitts will be donating all proceeds from Shiloh's sale to charity.

For more details visit www.sellshiloh.com

McGuire axes 100 Nine news jobs - accidentally sacks himself

2006-06-07T09:26:00.000+10:00

THE AGE - Up to 100 people will be made redundant by the Nine Network as part of a revamp of its news and current affairs coverage.

Nine chief Eddie McGuire announced the voluntary redundancies at a strategic meeting with network staff in Sydney today.

"It's all on paper now so unfortunately all the people on this list are going to have to leave the company to allow us to grow... rich."

Mr McGuire said the majority of the redundancies would affect news and current affairs in Sydney. Other people corrected him that it would affect the "reporting of news", not the news itself, which would happen whether a Channel Nine crew was there to film it or not.

"I'd just like to say that the list of employees getting sacked, I mean offered redundancies, were not randomly picked from a Channel Nine staff listing as people have mentioned. All the names on here are surplus and will need to find other employment."

When asked where the person on the list called "E. McGuire" worked, Eddie looked askanse and said, "Shit. Don't know. But I want him escorted off the premises as soon as possible. Just like the others."

When it was pointed out that only one "E. McGuire" worked at Channel Nine and that was him, Mr McGuire looked rather nervous, put it down to a clerical error before being escorted out the door by several other senior executives (pictured) who had always wondered why they had been overlooked for the head role in the first place. In the words of one executive:

"At least now he's been sacked as General Manager he may have time to host Who Wants to be a Millionaire again. And that's probably the best place for him on the network."

Mother lambasts daughter for "not having a television"

2006-06-04T09:24:00.000+10:00

THE AGE - An adult woman today was lambasted by her mother for "not having a television in the house".

The woman and mother to be was chastised by her mother Wendy McTowel after being called for the fifth time that day about something that she "must" watch on television. The other four calls were regarding more trivial matters such as the reumoured spread of a new strain of the Ebola virus through the Los Feliz district.

"I mean, how rediculous is it," Wendy was quoted as saying during one of her mountain treks through the Himalayas (pictured), "there is so much quality programming on the television and my daughter Jemima doesn't want to be a part of it. How is she going to be able to talk to people unless she has seen what they have seen?"

Wendy then went on to point to her younger daughter Eliza-Jane as a prime example of how a steady diet of the OC, The Simple Life, Everybody Loves Raymond and The Simpsons has made her into a well-rounded young lady also capable of conversing with other ladies and attracting a more suitable male than the one Jemima is currently with, who had this to say.

"Well, it's like, whatever, you know? That's hot. Yeah. Right. Whatever."

At which point she was distracted by an ant walking across her foot.

The "lambasted" daughter in question refused to comment, mainly because she never picks up the phone and was half way through a Miles Franklin book - you know, those things you have to concentrate on with words? They're totally hot. Whatever.

Prostitute names politician on-air - no one surprised

2006-06-03T09:18:00.000+10:00

SYDNEY MORNING HERALD - Nova FM could face legal action after a politician was named on air as having visited a sex worker.

Nova 969 presenters Merrick Watts and Tim Ross were forced to make an on-air apology minutes after an interview in which a prostitute said she had "seen" the politician. Just as importantly she'd also let him dress up in nappies and be buggered by a 17" dildo in the shape of Pauline Hanson.

The woman had called the breakfast show to join in a discussion on the sex industry and said, "We may have defamation cases brought against us and, as I'm anonymous, I can say I've seen (the politician)".

The woman was immediately cut off, but not before the name was broadcast.

There had been little backlash because everyone knows the politician in question likes to visit prostitutes anyway.

The politician is said to be seeking legal advice, but may have more luck looking for it in a legal firm instead of cruising the streets of Kings Cross in a suped up Torana with fluffy dice "and sub-woofers".

Nicole Ritchie "dangerously fat"

2006-06-02T09:14:00.000+10:00

DEFAMER - New photos of Nicole Ritchie reveal her looking dangerously overweight and in need of a new diet or at the very least, some dieting drugs designed for racing horses.

The new shots of her walking on the beach reveal dangerous signs that include her upper thighs nearly rubbing against each other when she walks and a quite unflattering lack of 'just below the skin' bone definition.

"I am very worried," said one leading dietician, "Nicole is an idol to many young girls around the world. If she starts putting on weight so that her body goes to a 'natural' state there's no way of telling what message this may send."

Another leading expert put it more succinctly.

"If Nicole stops trying to look like an underfed prepubescent girl ready to blow anyone to score some heroin, women around the world might as well give up and wear burkhas. And then the freaking muslims will win. Game over America."

Pope visits Auschwitz - disappointed that rides aren't operational

2006-05-30T11:34:00.000+10:00

KRAKOW, Poland - Pope Benedict XVI (aka Pope Bendie) yesterday expressed disappointment over his visit to Auschwitz.

"I thought it sounded like Disney World, but I turn up and no rides are working. There wasn't even anyone there to buy a ticket from."

Clearly, the shock of the location was getting to him.

"I really wanted to go on the railway carriage that goes into the windowless building. That looks like fun. A lot of my German colleagues at the Vatican have always said how much fun it was to watch other people taking the ride all those years ago."

defamer.com readers pissed over timing of Shiloh Nouvel birth

2006-05-29T13:08:00.000+10:00

LOS ANGELES TIMES - In another exclusive, It's All Lies can reveal that defamer.com readers have been incredibly pissed off over the timing of the Branjelina baby.

Happening inconsiderately in Africa at what would have been late Friday night LA time, defamer.com readers have had to go two full days without any "news" regarding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby Shiloh Nouvel.

"I can't believe it. I trust defamer.com to have all the gossip first. But here I am two days later and the most recent posting is about David Hasslehoff... which isn't all bad I suppose. I might have to read the New York Times or go to the BBC web site to get some information and that just doesn't make sense."

The editor of defamer.com, Mark Lisanti was not available for comment. If he had been, he would have written something in defamer.com by now.

the most recent posting can be found below.
· Idol Finale: David Hasselhoff chokes up as everyone grabs a piece of what's left of Katharine McPhee. Tori Spelling picks up some day work, and 36 million tune in to watch the the chubby, old dude take it all.
· Kevin Reilly is almost positive he's made up his mind now.
· If Jared Leto isn't gay as a goose, he should prepare to come face to face with an angry gay mob, hoisting rainbow-colored pitchforks and demanding he be cooked.
· Jay Roach mourns the loss of his $112 million gigglefest.
· Britney Spears: angry poet, waxy superstar.
· Journey through the incredible origin myth of Brett Ratner, mutant hack.
· Glazed dumpling Brandon Davis gets an earful from an irate Team Firecrotch player, then releases a retraction of his every regrettable, vagina-freckle put-down.
· Brandon Routh gets some very hetero, public superplay, but Superman's still got rainbows flying out of his manicured hands.
· Dr. 90210 karate-chops the dementia out of an 80-year-old in-flight menace.
· As soon as Wolverine gets out his cage, he makes a beeline for the nearest ship full of horny sailors.
· Katie Holmes' spoon-dug tunnel almost complete.
· For your consideration...and deep concern.
· Faye Dunaway opts not to be fixed in post.

Prescott 'right man for job' - no-one sure what job that is

2006-05-29T13:05:00.000+10:00

GUARDIAN - John Prescott is "getting on with the job" and is the right man for it, International Development Secretary Hilary Benn said.

"We're just trying to figure out what job that is."

Mr Benn was defending his colleague as politicians and commentators continued to question his position.

Peter Mandelson said Mr Prescott would do what was in the party's interests. If that meant having affairs with secretaries and hiding that from his wife, then so be it.

"Politics is a noble profession and I'm sure we'd all boff our secretary if the service of our country demanded it. I wouldn't boff his, but that's only because John's bigger than me, very jealous and he has a mean left hook."

Angelina Jolie gives birth to baby girl in Africa while filming in Finland

2006-05-28T22:17:00.000+10:00

LOS ANGELES TIMES - In what was arguably the most anticipated delivery in the world since the birth of Jesus (or Geri Halliwell's daughter Bluebell Madonna), Angelina Jolie gave birth to Brad Pitt's daughter Saturday in Africa, Pitts publicist announced.

Jolie's publicist has denied the reports but that's only because she's still denying that Jolie is pregnant or attached to Brad Pitt in any way, shape or form.

"The night of May 27, 2006 in Namibia, Africa, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt welcomed their daughter Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. No further information is being given," Pitt Publicist Cindy Guagenti said in a statement.

Further details are also shaky as to what was meant by the phrase "welcomed". Did the baby pop up to be greeted by a firm handshake? Did representatives from the United Nations greet the infant in the 49 commonly agreed languages?

Or did they just give her a quick kiss and send her off to the nanny looking after the recently arrived children of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck or Geri Halliwell and some guy who should have known better?

Jolie-Pitt baby girl angers celebrity community

2006-05-28T13:13:00.000+10:00

LOS ANGELES TIMES - Gwen Stefani, Geri Halliwell, Jennifer Garner, Ben Affleck, Fred Savage, Melissa Joan Hart, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Gwenyth Paltrow, Rachel Weisz and Britney Spears. These are just some of the people reeling from the news that their column inches in the celebrity rags and E-News puff-pieces are being eaten up by the news of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby girl, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.

"It really is indecent," quoted an unnamed Scientologist, "Do Brad and Pitt have a film coming out at the moment? No. Does my client, I mean Tom, I mean the Number 1 Hollywood star in the world have a movie out now? I'm not talking about Tom Hanks. I know he has a movie out. I'm talking about Tom Cruise. He's got a film out. Yes. We went to a lot of effort to get Katie to pretend to carry a baby for nine months. And for what? We still haven't made back the contribution to the Scientology founders to allow Tom to go up to the next level yet, let alone production costs for the film. Inconsiderate."

Britney Spears had this to say via her publicist, "What? What? You put Geri Halliwell in the same list of A celebrities as me and Melissa Joan Hart? Are you f#$king mad? Look at my baby. Look at me. WE ARE BEAUTIFUL. F%CK, I dropped it again."

We did want to talk to the other worthy celebrities, but unfortunately we ran out of column inches in the desire to carry this picture of Angelina and Brad with the rest of the kids in Africa. Aren't they cute? (And doesn't the image have just a touch of Da Vinci's The Last Supper about it? Or is that just me?)

Baby boy for singer Gwen Stefani - already thinks "Bush" is a crap band

2006-05-27T11:31:00.000+10:00

US singer Gwen Stefani has given birth to her first child with husband Gavin Rossdale at a Los Angeles hospital.

Son Kingston James McGregor Rossdale was born by Caesarean section at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on Friday, spokesman Dave Tomberlin said. (Picture of Gwen preparing for the delivery)

"Both mother and child are doing well," he added. "I'm sorry to say that the band 'Bush' is still dead. But that's just my personal view."

No Doubt singer Stefani, 36, married 38-year-old Rossdale - the London-born singer with the band Bush - in 2002 at a point when there was still a chance they would release another good album. Unfortunately they didn't, and since then Gavin has been a little bored, a little horny and a little lax with his use of condoms.

Missing British tourist found safe - Backpacker Adbucting Association promise they will "try harder" next time

2006-04-30T10:25:00.000+10:00

SYDNEY MORNING HERALD - A 24-year-old British tourist missing for over a week was found today on the Central Coast.

Ms Embleton had last been seen at the Three Wise Monkeys bar in Sydney's CBD on April 22 and there were fears that she had been abducted. Fears that were allayed by her appearance at the Gosford Police Station.

"Yeah, we pretty much assumed she was a goner," admitted Police Sargeant Terry O'Keefe, "I mean it's pretty rare that any of these English backpackers are lookers and you can see she's a bit of a honey. If I was into abducting I would have picked her. I'm not obviously, because I'm a cop, but we all have hobbies on the weekend and, well, I think I might just close the press conference there. Thank you for coming. "

Police said she had told a bar patron she had lost the money for her return flight while gambling at Star City casino.

She later failed to appear at a farewell party planned for her by friends, and missed her flight from Sydney Airport the following Monday.

Ms Francis Mary Embleton explained the non-appearance at the party by stating it was just a bunch of Aussie friends she didn't like and was never going to see again anyway. Missing the plane took a little bit more explaining on her part.

"I did lose the money at the casino," Ms Embleton confessed, "and I thought I would just turn a few tricks to get the money for the airfare back."

Unfortunately for Ms Embleton, none of the high rollers at the Star City casino were interested in paying her money to try and pick which of the three cups had a ball hidden under it or to watch her juggle.

"When it seemed like that was going nowhere I decided to call it quits and spent the rest of the night indulging in hard core sexual fantasies for corporate high fliers. If only there was a way of making money out of doing that kind of thing I would have been right to pay my flight."

No one has pointed out how she lost her money to pay for a flight that she had obviously already booked at least a few days before the flight was meant to take place. Maybe she's just stupid.

Russell Crowe "cries over script" - script reportedly wet and pissed off

2006-02-23T10:28:00.000+10:00

Russell Crowe's claims that he "cried" over the latest Baz Lurhmann script have been met with fury from the ScreenPlay Activist Group (SPAG).

SPAG spokesperson P.R. Diddleysquat says that spilling tears on a screenplay should be met with 'outrage' and called for Russell to offer a public apology.

"These poor screenplays, as if it's not enough that they never even get credit for their part in the filmmaking process, twats like Russell Crowe come and spill plops of salty fluid on them, streaking their words into fudged bits of smudgy-smoo without so much as an 'excuse me,'" said Diddleysquat.

"Mr Crowe's telephone-throwing antics were one thing, but this....this defies description. I think it marks a significant turning point for him - the hero's journey may be coming to a close for him, and I for one, cannot wait for the climax."

Mr Crowe defended his actions, saying that he did offer a tissue to the screenplay, but took the screenplay's lack of response as an indication that it was okay.

"I think it should just shut the hell up and be a man. Grunt," he said.

"Peanuts" fans riot over omission of cartoon images

2006-02-21T10:30:00.000+10:00

NEW YORK TIMES - Fans of the comic strip "Peanuts" took to the streets around the world today in retaliation for the non-publication of images of their idol and prophet Charlie Brown.

"We're mad as hell and we're not gonna take it anymore," screamed one barely lucid fan of the long-running comic strip, "newspapers are printing cartoon versions of Mohammad but what the hell has happened to 'Peanuts'?"

The riots were triggered when the Danish newspapaer Jyllands-Posten decided to stop printing the comic strip in it's "Weekend Funnies" section after fifty years of inclusion in the paper.

"It's making a mockery of Charles Schwartz and his philosophy. Okay, so he may be dead and he isn't creating any new comic strips, but that hasn't stopped papers reprinting bits out of the Bible or the Koran and the guys that wrote those moralising books of crap died thousands of years ago."

Iran President bans all Western music - rest of the world supports ban on "You've Had A Bad Day"

2005-12-31T21:03:00.000+10:00

TEHRAN, Iran - Hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has banned all Western music from Iran's state radio and TV stations. Not because it is offensive to Muslims, but just because "A lot of it's crap."

World leaders were quick to condemn the action and nearly as quick to pass similar laws through their own respective parliaments. There are significant differences though in the approaches followed.

In the U.S, President George Bush has signed a bill pushed through by his republican colleagues to outlaw any music he doesn't currently have on his iPod, leaving the entire Sesame Street back catalogue and one song by Garth Brookes, "Oh, Barbara" unscathed.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has banned all music in which his guitar playing does not feature. Facing the prospect of having to endlessly repeat the eleven tracks from the debut album put out by his old band "Ugly Rumours", Radio1, Radio2 and Capital FM have shut down with immediate effect. Virgin will remain open according to Richard Branson:

"Eleven tracks? That's five more tracks than we normally play every day.", said the Virgin Boss pictured above, "I think it may be time to expand the Virgin radio operations. Now watch me fly, 'vrrrmmmmm'."

French President Jacque Chirac has instituted a new law stating that 95% of all music on radio stations must be French... although this restriction has been in place for the last twenty years anyway. Representatives from other nations stated they would not retaliate with a similar action against French music because they don't play any of it anyway, except for that "Sexy Boy" song by Air and that song by Plastic Bertrand, and he's Belgian, and at least they make good chocolate and beer. Something that can not be said for the French.

Paris turns over a new leaf

2005-12-29T21:09:00.000+10:00

Paris Hilton has jumped on the New Years Resolutions bandwagon, printing a t-shirt to celebrate the fact.

According to said boob-tube, Ms. Hilton's resolutions include (but are not limited to):

- to quit smoking;
- to give more to charity; and
- to stop being a plastic, glam-trash uber-slut

"Kerry Packer Dies" headline wrap up

2005-12-27T21:11:00.000+10:00

"Thank fuck, he's dead. Everyone knows that I'm the brains of the business" - James Packer

"Pilot Nick Ross asks Kerry Packer estate for his kidney back."

"Rupert Murdoch dies of relief after hearing news."

"Jessica Rowe regrets decision to break contract with Ten to move to Nine two days before Packer death."

"Ten and seven win bid for AFL television rights over Channel 9."

"Cricketers stand in silence on Boxing Day to mourn Kerry Packer instead of the thousands of less important people that died a year ago in the tsunami."

"Murdoch finally feels safe handing reigns to underachieving sons."

"Crown Casino business drops 90% overnight."

"Australians rejoice over news that all media will soon be controlled by a monopoly based in the US instead of a duopoly."

"Now we can finally write that film about the rebel cricket tour and not get sued."

"Everybody in Australia Rich List happy in knowledge they will move up one place."

"First death of an Australian to make news in America since Pharlap."

"John Howard announces resignation after realising there will be a massive hole in the Liberal campaign budget. Costello pissed."

"No Slacker Packer Whacks a Clacker" (The Sun - London)

Tori Amos's Piano speaks out about public dispute over authorship, solo career

2005-12-23T21:15:00.000+10:00

REUTERS - The RITZ, London

Tori Amos's Piano speaks out about public dispute over authorship, solo career.

It has been a longstanding rumour among music industry pundits that eccentric musician and US expatriate Tori Amos is merely the decoration on a cake known as the the one man girl-band. Until now, she has accredited her black Bosendorf piano, who has adopted the new name Shirley Brown, as a voice and unofficial co-scribe in her succesful career, but as REUTERS has found, the thruth is much uglier.

Ms Brown has granted REUTERS journalist Duncan Pedersen a sneak-peek into the real life of the musical duo prior to the press conference she has organised for Jan. 1st,2006.

"My life with Tori was creative torture, she would never compromise on melodies or lyrics i came up with", the veteran piano star laments. "Little earhquakes was really about her slamming the lid of the keyboard too abruptly -- but this i have almost completely worked through with my analyst. Most crucially, I think we, Tori and I, just really need to have some time apart to mature as solo artists. "

Ms Amos was unavailable for comment on the topic, however her PR people have referred to the incidents referred to as circumstantial referred,second-or-third-hand evidence - therefore hardly evidence at all. They imply competitors and, surprisingly, the entire Netherlands as trying to sabotage the 'one-girl, one-piano concept'. When asked to name names they refused, though they flashed two well-prepared photographs of Norah Jones and Kate Bush, nodded, and silently mouthed the word "genetics".

"I have treasured the years with Tee, as i call her, as among the best of my life. When we toured the world for the first time, I felt like i belonged to a stable relationship for the first time in my life. She took me in, rescued me from the wild streets of Newton,North Carolina but as i soon found out, the honeymoon wouldn't last. "

We were then interupted by Ms Brown's assistant, who instructed the piano-star on matters not to be disclosed to the public due to legalities. She elucidates:

"We are filing charges, so there are things I cannot yet disclose. My supporters (consults assistant), who prefer not to be named...have convinced me about my past with 'the wanton witch'. I - wrote all the songs we worked on together, and Tori ruthlessly stole them from me. It was my voice to share with the world.". She continues: "I was in a fragile place when we met...I once felt like a cello trapped in a fortepiano body, and ...though this is something i have never admitted to the public, i now understand how i was exploited. I want to come out from under the pianocovers. Additionally, I'm seeking compensation to the nominal sum of $2bn for damages."

TO READ the entire article, you need to register at REUTERS.con, for the annual fee of $600. Click Here for More.

Pod sinks begging market - new markets emerge

2005-12-22T21:20:00.000+10:00

LONDON (THE TIMES) Beggars and vagrants have expressed their concern that the iPod is killing off their traditional approaches to making money.

Since the introduction of the first iPod on October 23rd, 2001, those seeking funds through a personal solicitation in public have fell on deaf ears.

"Everyone's listening to one. On the tube, walking down the street. How are we meant to make a personal plea to people when all they can hear is Kylie singing 'Nah nah nah. Nah nah nah nah nah'? I could be saying 'I have a bomb' and they wouldn't know."

Statistics gathered in major cities backs up the anecdotal evidence. From New York to London, Sydney to Los Angeles, begging has been replaced with harder crime.

"We're seeing a trend here away from aural techniques. People with an iPod only hear their music, so beggars resort to visual means. First it was signs like 'No Money. No Home. Please Help' but since most middle class white collar workers feel that is 'contrived', beggars started moving to visual cues that anybody can recognise - knives, guns, syringes and fists."

As a result, beggars are now spending less time on the street and getting more income at the same time. Most people support this change -at least, all those that hadn't been robbed at the time of the survey.

"Now, instead of walking up and down the train pleading 'Excuse me people I don't want to take up any of your time..', I simply go up to someone in the street, point my blood filled syringe at them and tell them to give me everything they have. And you know what the real plus is? Now I've got an iPod Nano so I don't have to listen to them blubbering as they hand over all their money. I'm still homeless so finding somewhere to plug in the charger is still a bitch."

Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment, however, a spokesperson for Apple stated,

"I'm glad we are able to do something positive for the community by moving the beggars onto more positive, profitable and organised activities. Maybe soon they'll be working for Microsoft."

The police spokeman for London mayor Ken Livingston could only manage, "Nah nah nah. Nah nah nah nah nah. Oh, excuse me, I was on an, um, call. What was the question?"

Statistics are still unavailable on the impact of the iPod Video. Those affected feel the new statistics will only reveal further good news.

My dear friends:

2005-12-21T21:26:00.000+10:00

Dear Friends:

I was lying in bed a couple of months ago and I started reflecting back to my Martial Arts career as a fighter. I remembered back to 1974, when I decided to retire after six years as the undefeated World Middleweight Karate Champion. I thought that I could defend my title again in 1975 at the age of 35 and win my seventh consecutive year, but then again I could probably lose, so I decided to retire as an undefeated champion. To this day I am considered one of the top fighters of all time. If I had fought and lost, that may not have been the case.

Then I began thinking about Walker, Texas Ranger. Fortunately, Walker has been a top rated series for eight years and I thought it could probably have a successful ninth season, but then again maybe not. Anyway that is the reason I am ending Walker, Texas Ranger. I want the series to end as a winner. I know the let down of Walker being over will be very emotionally hard on me, just as it did when I retired as a fighter, but I did not stop doing my Martial Arts when I retired and I will not stop acting when Walker is over. I hope whenever my acting career goes that I will still have your support! As I have always believed, "When one door closes, a bigger one opens."

God Bless you.

Sincerely your friend,
Chuck Norris

SAG since '43!

2005-12-21T21:25:00.000+10:00

Maybe my time has passed. Sure, I had a good tilt at it but in the end it just never seemed to come together. Truth be told, I blame my agent. "Italian New Wave is just what your career needs!" he told me. "You can come back to the States an international star!"

I wonder where I fucked up. I mean, what did I do wrong? There I was: partying with the movers and shakers, moving in the right circles, living the life. The real deal.

THE WHOLE ENCHILADA.

But after a while it all became nothing more a soggy tostada. A limp, flaccid chimichanga oozing failure and disappointment, if you will.

I really should have won it back in '63. Some of my best work, even if I don't mind saying so. But how could I compete with Poitier? Come on, he pissed it in. Of course I wasn't even nominated, but I don't let such trifles bother me. That's what agents are for.

But what really gets my goat is "On the Waterfront". I really should have gotten that role, but it went to Brando instead. That was the one that got away. What a travesty! Best Actor? Please! I could have had a good chance. Well, a fair chance then. I could have been a contender. Maybe I could have been in that “Island of Dr. Moreau” remake if I had delivered those immortal words, not that overblown hack.

Don't tell him I said that of course. Doesn't do to burn bridges in this town. Come to think of it, perhaps my useless agent could try to line me up some gig in his next movie. The start of my comeback! Honestly, I'd be happy with a cameo. No need for a special trailer, although it would be nice considering my pedigree.

Oh. Really? When did that happen? Last year?

Well, serves the fucker right.