Airforce One first aircraft denied access to U.S air space

GUARDIAN - The US administration has forced 27 governments of the European Union to sign up for a range of new security measures for transatlantic travel, including allowing armed guards on all flights from Europe to America by US airlines.

It also enforces a range of measures allowing U.S Air Control to deny access to any suspicious aircraft.

Unfortunately, the first flight to be declined entry was Airforce One, as the President and his entourage were in Cuba we ferrying cocaine and hookers back to the U.S. at the time.

"Yes, you could say it is a little embarassing to have the President's private jumbo turned around due laws introduced by Bush. You could even say it was ironic, I suppose, but hell, everyone's too busy watching Hillary and Barack fight it out to give two hoots about the current President."

Roy Schneider dies - surprisingly, it wasn't a shark

DEFAMER - As the world mourned the loss of actor Roy Schneider, Hollywood honoured his loss in the only way it knows how - swapping out the CSI franchise for episodes of Hill Street Blues and running Jaws marathons.

"Think of it as our way of honouring him," said one Fox representative, "just don't think of it as cashing in. If we were going to cash in on it, we would have kept his death secret long enough for us to finish getting through all the Heath Ledger stuff. Batman hasn't even been released yet so we can't afford for people to forget Heath, even if Roy died of a shark bite."

Reports suggest that Mr Scheider, 75, died of cancer, not of a shark attack.

"I think you have to check your sources," said a rep for Stephen Speilberg's company Dreamworks, "because cancer is a kind of shark that bites away at you with it's teeth, and, well okay, that's all I've got. Want a Jaws III doll?"

Clinton unleashes Orb of Destruction on Obama

NEW YORK TIMES - Following today's inconclusive "Super Tuesday", Senator Clinton unleashed an "Orb of Destruction" on rival democrat, Senator Obama.

The orb (pictured), was released from the index finger of Senator Clinton's right hand. The index finger on her left hand (not pictured) remained planted firmly up her husband's butt, just in case he decided to say something stupid again before polling closed.

Although smiling as she unleashed the orb, sources deny she also said, "and your little dog too", a reference to a character from "The Wizard of Oz".