Iran President bans all Western music - rest of the world supports ban on "You've Had A Bad Day"

TEHRAN, Iran - Hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has banned all Western music from Iran's state radio and TV stations. Not because it is offensive to Muslims, but just because "A lot of it's crap."

World leaders were quick to condemn the action and nearly as quick to pass similar laws through their own respective parliaments. There are significant differences though in the approaches followed.

In the U.S, President George Bush has signed a bill pushed through by his republican colleagues to outlaw any music he doesn't currently have on his iPod, leaving the entire Sesame Street back catalogue and one song by Garth Brookes, "Oh, Barbara" unscathed.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has banned all music in which his guitar playing does not feature. Facing the prospect of having to endlessly repeat the eleven tracks from the debut album put out by his old band "Ugly Rumours", Radio1, Radio2 and Capital FM have shut down with immediate effect. Virgin will remain open according to Richard Branson:

"Eleven tracks? That's five more tracks than we normally play every day.", said the Virgin Boss pictured above, "I think it may be time to expand the Virgin radio operations. Now watch me fly, 'vrrrmmmmm'."

French President Jacque Chirac has instituted a new law stating that 95% of all music on radio stations must be French... although this restriction has been in place for the last twenty years anyway. Representatives from other nations stated they would not retaliate with a similar action against French music because they don't play any of it anyway, except for that "Sexy Boy" song by Air and that song by Plastic Bertrand, and he's Belgian, and at least they make good chocolate and beer. Something that can not be said for the French.

Paris turns over a new leaf

Paris Hilton has jumped on the New Years Resolutions bandwagon, printing a t-shirt to celebrate the fact.

According to said boob-tube, Ms. Hilton's resolutions include (but are not limited to):

- to quit smoking;
- to give more to charity; and
- to stop being a plastic, glam-trash uber-slut

"Kerry Packer Dies" headline wrap up

"Thank fuck, he's dead. Everyone knows that I'm the brains of the business" - James Packer

"Pilot Nick Ross asks Kerry Packer estate for his kidney back."

"Rupert Murdoch dies of relief after hearing news."

"Jessica Rowe regrets decision to break contract with Ten to move to Nine two days before Packer death."

"Ten and seven win bid for AFL television rights over Channel 9."

"Cricketers stand in silence on Boxing Day to mourn Kerry Packer instead of the thousands of less important people that died a year ago in the tsunami."

"Murdoch finally feels safe handing reigns to underachieving sons."

"Crown Casino business drops 90% overnight."

"Australians rejoice over news that all media will soon be controlled by a monopoly based in the US instead of a duopoly."

"Now we can finally write that film about the rebel cricket tour and not get sued."

"Everybody in Australia Rich List happy in knowledge they will move up one place."

"First death of an Australian to make news in America since Pharlap."

"John Howard announces resignation after realising there will be a massive hole in the Liberal campaign budget. Costello pissed."

"No Slacker Packer Whacks a Clacker" (The Sun - London)

Tori Amos's Piano speaks out about public dispute over authorship, solo career

REUTERS - The RITZ, London

Tori Amos's Piano speaks out about public dispute over authorship, solo career.

It has been a longstanding rumour among music industry pundits that eccentric musician and US expatriate Tori Amos is merely the decoration on a cake known as the the one man girl-band. Until now, she has accredited her black Bosendorf piano, who has adopted the new name Shirley Brown, as a voice and unofficial co-scribe in her succesful career, but as REUTERS has found, the thruth is much uglier.

Ms Brown has granted REUTERS journalist Duncan Pedersen a sneak-peek into the real life of the musical duo prior to the press conference she has organised for Jan. 1st,2006.

"My life with Tori was creative torture, she would never compromise on melodies or lyrics i came up with", the veteran piano star laments. "Little earhquakes was really about her slamming the lid of the keyboard too abruptly -- but this i have almost completely worked through with my analyst. Most crucially, I think we, Tori and I, just really need to have some time apart to mature as solo artists. "

Ms Amos was unavailable for comment on the topic, however her PR people have referred to the incidents referred to as circumstantial referred,second-or-third-hand evidence - therefore hardly evidence at all. They imply competitors and, surprisingly, the entire Netherlands as trying to sabotage the 'one-girl, one-piano concept'. When asked to name names they refused, though they flashed two well-prepared photographs of Norah Jones and Kate Bush, nodded, and silently mouthed the word "genetics".

"I have treasured the years with Tee, as i call her, as among the best of my life. When we toured the world for the first time, I felt like i belonged to a stable relationship for the first time in my life. She took me in, rescued me from the wild streets of Newton,North Carolina but as i soon found out, the honeymoon wouldn't last. "

We were then interupted by Ms Brown's assistant, who instructed the piano-star on matters not to be disclosed to the public due to legalities. She elucidates:

"We are filing charges, so there are things I cannot yet disclose. My supporters (consults assistant), who prefer not to be named...have convinced me about my past with 'the wanton witch'. I - wrote all the songs we worked on together, and Tori ruthlessly stole them from me. It was my voice to share with the world.". She continues: "I was in a fragile place when we met...I once felt like a cello trapped in a fortepiano body, and ...though this is something i have never admitted to the public, i now understand how i was exploited. I want to come out from under the pianocovers. Additionally, I'm seeking compensation to the nominal sum of $2bn for damages."

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Pod sinks begging market - new markets emerge

LONDON (THE TIMES) Beggars and vagrants have expressed their concern that the iPod is killing off their traditional approaches to making money.

Since the introduction of the first iPod on October 23rd, 2001, those seeking funds through a personal solicitation in public have fell on deaf ears.

"Everyone's listening to one. On the tube, walking down the street. How are we meant to make a personal plea to people when all they can hear is Kylie singing 'Nah nah nah. Nah nah nah nah nah'? I could be saying 'I have a bomb' and they wouldn't know."

Statistics gathered in major cities backs up the anecdotal evidence. From New York to London, Sydney to Los Angeles, begging has been replaced with harder crime.

"We're seeing a trend here away from aural techniques. People with an iPod only hear their music, so beggars resort to visual means. First it was signs like 'No Money. No Home. Please Help' but since most middle class white collar workers feel that is 'contrived', beggars started moving to visual cues that anybody can recognise - knives, guns, syringes and fists."

As a result, beggars are now spending less time on the street and getting more income at the same time. Most people support this change -at least, all those that hadn't been robbed at the time of the survey.

"Now, instead of walking up and down the train pleading 'Excuse me people I don't want to take up any of your time..', I simply go up to someone in the street, point my blood filled syringe at them and tell them to give me everything they have. And you know what the real plus is? Now I've got an iPod Nano so I don't have to listen to them blubbering as they hand over all their money. I'm still homeless so finding somewhere to plug in the charger is still a bitch."

Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment, however, a spokesperson for Apple stated,

"I'm glad we are able to do something positive for the community by moving the beggars onto more positive, profitable and organised activities. Maybe soon they'll be working for Microsoft."

The police spokeman for London mayor Ken Livingston could only manage, "Nah nah nah. Nah nah nah nah nah. Oh, excuse me, I was on an, um, call. What was the question?"

Statistics are still unavailable on the impact of the iPod Video. Those affected feel the new statistics will only reveal further good news.

My dear friends:

Dear Friends:

I was lying in bed a couple of months ago and I started reflecting back to my Martial Arts career as a fighter. I remembered back to 1974, when I decided to retire after six years as the undefeated World Middleweight Karate Champion. I thought that I could defend my title again in 1975 at the age of 35 and win my seventh consecutive year, but then again I could probably lose, so I decided to retire as an undefeated champion. To this day I am considered one of the top fighters of all time. If I had fought and lost, that may not have been the case.

Then I began thinking about Walker, Texas Ranger. Fortunately, Walker has been a top rated series for eight years and I thought it could probably have a successful ninth season, but then again maybe not. Anyway that is the reason I am ending Walker, Texas Ranger. I want the series to end as a winner. I know the let down of Walker being over will be very emotionally hard on me, just as it did when I retired as a fighter, but I did not stop doing my Martial Arts when I retired and I will not stop acting when Walker is over. I hope whenever my acting career goes that I will still have your support! As I have always believed, "When one door closes, a bigger one opens."

God Bless you.

Sincerely your friend,
Chuck Norris

SAG since '43!

Maybe my time has passed. Sure, I had a good tilt at it but in the end it just never seemed to come together. Truth be told, I blame my agent. "Italian New Wave is just what your career needs!" he told me. "You can come back to the States an international star!"

I wonder where I fucked up. I mean, what did I do wrong? There I was: partying with the movers and shakers, moving in the right circles, living the life. The real deal.

THE WHOLE ENCHILADA.

But after a while it all became nothing more a soggy tostada. A limp, flaccid chimichanga oozing failure and disappointment, if you will.

I really should have won it back in '63. Some of my best work, even if I don't mind saying so. But how could I compete with Poitier? Come on, he pissed it in. Of course I wasn't even nominated, but I don't let such trifles bother me. That's what agents are for.

But what really gets my goat is "On the Waterfront". I really should have gotten that role, but it went to Brando instead. That was the one that got away. What a travesty! Best Actor? Please! I could have had a good chance. Well, a fair chance then. I could have been a contender. Maybe I could have been in that “Island of Dr. Moreau” remake if I had delivered those immortal words, not that overblown hack.

Don't tell him I said that of course. Doesn't do to burn bridges in this town. Come to think of it, perhaps my useless agent could try to line me up some gig in his next movie. The start of my comeback! Honestly, I'd be happy with a cameo. No need for a special trailer, although it would be nice considering my pedigree.

Oh. Really? When did that happen? Last year?

Well, serves the fucker right.